Inside a Recovery Attempt From Anorexia Nervosa: Post Hospitalisation Diary Thoughts 2017

Entry 1.

I hear and I forget,

I see and I remember,

I do and I understand.

~ Confucius

 Entry 2.

Immediately after getting back to a healthy body weight anorexia nervosa patients are still highly energy inefficient and require high caloric intake to maintain restored weight. Without this prolonged period of high calorie intake rapid weight loss will occur and lead to a high risk of relapse. 3-6months for normalisation.

Hypermetabolic and high diet-induced thermogenesis and neuroendocrine alterations.

Entry 5.

Life and love are in the small acts of human kindness. Those acts that make us feel connected and not alone.

Sadness sets in when we believe ourselves to be different from others, when we feel disconnected and alone.

We all just want to feel we belong. We all want to feel happy.

Entry 8.

I was never eating for "health". I was eating to please others, eating to make others happy, eating to cause the least harm to others. 

Even as I write this I am confused. I know I should see the value in myself. I know I should care for myself.

I know a lot of things.

I know a lot of the things I feel aren't correct but to know and to feel and to do are different. I know I should care for myself, I know I am important but I don't believe it. 

I believe that for me self-care is selfish. I believe eating is unnecessary for me. I believe eating is gross for me. 

I do not believe I am worthy of eating, of nourishing my body, of doing anything I enjoy. I know that I am but I do not believe it. 

To go against our beliefs is painful. My mind screams at me, you are worthless, you are too much, too loud, too big. I want to be invisible, less than nothing. 

No voice.

No flesh.

I can't make eye contact, can't speak, can't eat because I don't believe I am worth it. 

Entry 13.

It feels so wrong.

It feels so wrong to feed myself, to be a healthy weight when there is so much pain and suffering in the world.

It feels like an outward display of not caring, of selfishness that even amongst the pain I could feel I was worth it. Why would I be any more deserving?

I cannot remove all the pain from the world and it breaks my heart, mind and soul.

Entry 16. 

Because loving is an amazing thing to do.

Entry 17.

Anorexia will never let anyone's "help" be the right thing.

Entry 18.

I often feel I've felt too much, experienced too much pain and will never be able to live a "normal" life, with normal worries.

Regrets: Not learning/smothering who I am.

Entry 23.

At times when I did accept I had anorexia I looked at websites, books, etc for help and I found very few that reflected how I felt and fewer still that I felt offered me any insight, help or hope for a different future.

Sometimes, sometimes, rarely something would resonate with me but more often than not I felt let down by the descriptions and the self-help quotes.

I wanted help.

I wanted to eat.

I wanted to be ok with eating.

I just couldn't believe that there was anyone or anything out there that could help.

I was perfectly capable of following these perfect meal plans, hour after hour, day after day, year after year but I'd get frustrated, want to move on and inevitably life would creep in and I'd realise there were things I desired - friendships, work, relationships and these weren't compatible with a strict meal plan, with perfect eating. Anorexia is not compatible with living.

Entry 26.

I feel very inadequate.

Not qualified enough, not clever enough.

Not good enough.

Not enough.

No job, no resume’, no achievements.

I don’t feel like an adult. I often feel like a child. So unsure and afraid and relentlessly seeking the approval of others.

Wanting to please and rebel simultaneously.

I feel overwhelmed when I think of planning food for myself every day for the rest of my life. Surely that’s not necessary? Can’t I just put on enough weight then stop eating? Surely it is too much of a waste to continue.

My future only ever goes as far as weight restoration then I don’t know anything beyond that. I don’t have a clue what I want. Which means I am terrified of being “healthy” because then what?...

Entry 27.

I am afraid to let go.

To eat even one meal or bite on my own because that means I didn’t need you and all these years have been a waste. 

I have so many regrets. The more weight I gain, the more my brain restores and the faster the regrets flood in, thick and overwhelming. Those wasted years. I can’t even begin to imagine what I could have achieved, and I am so ashamed.

Entry 28.

And I woke up, quietly dressed and walked slowly out of yet another stranger’s bed, house, life.

I drove to the beach in the rain, surfboard already in the back of my car prepared, because I’d known all along that I wasn’t going home alone last night.

Entry 31.

You don’t have to please everyone.

You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.

Always speak your truth.

Be brave and be strong and loving; being strong does not mean you don’t care.

Entry 32.

Breakfast: Oats, milk, yoghurt, dates, banana, macadamias honey.

Snack: Yoghurt, choc-chip muffin, pear, peanut butter, honey and smoothie.

Lunch: 2 slices bread, eggs, cheese, avocado, mayonnaise, pesto, tomato.

Snack: magnum ice-cream, dates, walnuts, banana.

Dinner: barramundi, sweet potato, potato, brown rice, cashews, zucchini

Snack: ice-cream smoothie.

Entry 33.

It is ok to be visible.

Entry 34.

Less does not equal strength and denial does not deserve praise and accolades.

Shrinking is not a victory and disappearing should no longer be an option.

When your body wants more, give it more.

Entry 36.

Dealing with relapse

1. Tell people
2. Follow meal plan
3. Recognise cause/triggers – remove, lessen and use coping strategies

My triggers

1. Eating in front of people when they’re not eating.

Thoughts: I am selfish. I should be sharing. They think I am selfish, pig, eating unnecessarily.

1. Friends talking about how much they’ve eaten, and that they don’t need to eat for the rest of the day etc.

Thoughts: I am gross because I eat so much more than the amount, they think is a lot. If they think this amount is a lot I should too. I am not “special” and should not be eating more than others.  

1. Friends talking about what they don’t eat.

Thoughts: I am disgusting because I eat that thing.

1. Being with people who eat very little or very slowly.

Thoughts: I am a monster. I am gross because I always eat more than/faster than that. I am out of control. I don’t need to eat as much as I do. I should eat less/more slowly like them.

Entry 37.

I have the eating disorder. They do not. They can do what they want. I have different limitations.

Entry 38.

Times of high risk:

1. Relationships
2. Being busy
3. Being with people who don’t have an eating disorder and trying to be like them
4. If I lose weight

Early warning signs

1. Wanting to change my food intake/exercise to suit other people/be more like other people.
2. Planning meals to suit other people’s schedules, not mine.

Entry 40.

I am strong.

My voice matters.

My life matters.

I have a right to be here.

I care about myself.

I am curious about myself.

I can.

Entry 41.

I’m not my eating disorder, then who am I?...

What do you know is true?

What is the right thing to do?

Entry 42.

Let’s start over…

Hi I’m Bon,

I don’t know who I am.

I am completely unsure of the things I want.

Sometimes for brief periods I realise I have a body and it can do some pretty cool stuff. Most of the time I’m too busy in my mind to appreciate and use it, let alone enjoy it.

I genuinely do not value myself, my health, me.

I believe that caring for myself in any way is disgusting, gross. I always block my emotions, needs, wants and desire in order to accommodate others to the point that I honestly couldn’t tell you what they are.

I am completely unable to see myself as worthy of care from myself especially but also from others. this means I don’t’ communicate how much I love someone or something for fear they don’t want me.

Entry 43.

Wherever you go; there you are.

Entry 44.

Each “awakening” was so filled with hope and promise. It was exhilarating to come alive. 

Each time. 

Maybe addictive?

But I could never hold onto it.

The food conquered yes, but the underlying cause, the reason for the eating disorder was still there. Therefore, I’d go back to it to mask all those thoughts that were the true ones I had to face.

My eating disorder serves a purpose.

I always thought it didn’t. I never understood how anyone could claim there is a place for something so horrible, but it is true, and I can see so clearly now. It has served the purpose of hiding my feelings of inadequacy. Allowed me to not try where I may have failed.  

Entry 53.

Accept help.

Entry 55.

Discovering Bon.

It’s exciting that I get this chance to create a whole being.

I am a blank canvas.

I’ve created a whole new body now I get to create a whole new mind.

Of course, things that have happened to me will still impact who I create, but it is 100% my choice to choose the experiences I want to shape who I am from now. 

Bonnie as far as I’ve known her is a person for others. She is a no one, devoid of her own likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams and desires.

Now I have this fantastic second chance to be anything I want. Anything I choose and I simply choose me.

Entry 56.

It is ok to be ok.

Your suffering does not lessen the suffering of others.

It still feels so wrong though.

Entry 57.

There is no one strong enough to fight your demons, 

except for you.

You and only you have the strength needed to fight your demons.

Entry 59.

It hurt more than I’d like to admit to see him with her, her with him. To hear the way he spoke about her, to her, to us about her.

He was unreserved, unashamed and unembarrassed.

He had no ego and no self-pride with complementing her and singing her praise. 

I wasn’t ready to be his back then when he'd wanted me. I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s back then. If I’m honest I’m still not, probably even less so than then but I can recognise, could recognise even then that he was perfect. That he was everything I wanted but did not believe existed in a man. Did not believe I deserved. Humble, content, honest, open, loving.

He was unapologetically him.

Alive.

He was how I wanted to be and what I wanted to be with and I told myself that when I believed in me, when I felt like a successful adult I’d allow myself the possibility. 

Too late. 

I suppose it was a lesson that deep down I do want to be loved, feel loved by someone decent.

You deserve to love and be loved just like everyone else.

Entry 62.

The only times I’ve felt truly alive were overseas, travelling alone. 

These were the only times I saw the worth of being healthy because I really needed my body to work so that I could hike, dive and surf. I saw the value of having a body that worked, therefore I saw the value of eating food to make sure my body could do these things.

It never felt good but there was a use to it which made it bearable. 

I know I look better and feel better when I am a decent weight, but I don’t see the value. If every day is just the same, what is the point of being healthy?

Entry 63.

There are times where I’ve been so close and yet it still feels so inherently wrong to want to be well or to do these little actions that will lead to or maintain my wellness- buy clothes, buy food, brush my hair, wash my hair, moisturise. Augh.

Entry 70.

I am afraid when I realise, develop and follow my own dreams and desires that I will hurt, disappoint or let you down. 

I am afraid you won’t like who I am.

Anorexia is devoid of hopes, dreams and aspirations therefore she can be melded and morphed into anything others require of her. She is unquestionably compliant. She makes the perfect friend, partner, employer because she does what she's told and cares more for you than herself. 

Entry 71.

No matter your past, you can create your future.

Entry 85.

I am what I choose to become, not what I think others want me to become.

Entry 86.

I never wanted to lose weight.

I never wanted to be healthy.

My eating disorder never had anything to do with the way I looked, not to me nor to anyone else.

I want to feel better, not even good, just better.

Entry 87.

Close ain’t close enough.

Entry 89.

Store holder man at the markets stopped me and said “since I’ve been coming to these markets you’ve been a ray of sunlight. You shine. I see you walking around always with a bit of a smile on your face”.

Entry 90.

Recovery

1. Realisation
2. Willingness
3. Surrender
4. Acceptance
5. Gratitude

Entry 93.

There is so much you don’t see or believe when you are stuck.

No matter where you are now you don’t know what’s possible.

Entry 99.

Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity.

With all the love in the world, Bonnie.