In this blog I’m diving into 3 more fears I had when I lived with anorexia beginning with the fear that…
- Life Wouldn’t Be Any Better If I Did Recover
Phewf this was a big one for me.
The question of “what was the point of putting in all this effort?” was a question I remember feeling often.
Sure, there were moments where it was beyond evident that there was a “point”.
You know like when you’re hooked up to all the machines in the hospital, unable to walk and being monitored 24/7 for signs of heart failure.
Yeah, there’s some moments where it’s crystal clear what you’re fighting for but at other times it really and truly feels hard to connect to a solid “why?…”
Nothing seemed worth the pain of fighting against the eating disorder.
If I were to recover in terms of weight gain (which honestly until you know what full recovery is you’d be forgiven for thinking weight restored = recovered) and I had to live at a “healthy” weight with the same endless mental battle I wouldn’t choose that.
The eating disorder was my way of coping.
If I gained weight and the only thing, I gained was weight without developing any other means of being ok in the world, that was a worse sentence than living with an eating disorder.
I’ve since learned that weight gain and recovery are not the same thing.
Weight gain without psychological recovery is just living with an eating disorder at a higher weight.
If that was what recovery actually meant I’m not all that sure I’d be so avidly promoting it.
Actually, I know I wouldn’t be.
Recovery is the time period throughout which you are developing the skills and resources to be ok in the world without the eating disorder.
Recovered is life after the eating disorder.
Recovered is a life where you have no need and no desire or compulsion to do those eating disorder thoughts/feelings/behaviours which once felt like your only option.
2. That Recovery Wasn’t “Enough”
The other fear that went hand in hand with the fear that recovery wouldn’t be any better was the knowledge that the world is a hard place.
The knowledge that recovering into this world was going to be just that recovering into this world and not recovering into a 100% happy and healthy world.
It’s a hard pill to swallow that your recovering from an eating disorder is not going to make everyone a kind person, it’s not going to solve world hunger, cure cancer, stop wars or fix climate change.
I for sure wanted it to.
I for sure wanted a condition of my recovery to be that the world I recovered into was a kinder and more meaningful world.
Please don’t put impossible conditions on your recovery because all it will mean is that you will never recover.
Let it go.
Your recovery will make a difference to the world.
I truly believe that and at the same time you are just a drop in the ocean.
By healing you and living your greatest life you will do far more for others and this world than the eating disorder will ever let you imagine is possible.
3. Food
Isn’t it interesting that it’s taken me until the last of 6 things that terrified me when I lived with anorexia nervosa for the seemingly most obvious one to even enter my mind?
I guess that is all part of the reality of what it means to be a part of breaking down the stigma around eating disorders – getting clear on what they are and what they are not.
Food was by no means the only thing I was afraid of when I lived with an eating disorder nor the thing I was afraid of the most and yet the truth is I was unavoidably and undeniably petrified of food.
Food and eating.
I suppose why it did take so long for me to think of is this is probably the fear which is least relatable to me now.
Yes, I am still affected by the sadness and the pain of the world and yes, I still very much wish the world was a kinder place but rather than collapse into the hopelessness of all that is out of my hands I work every day to do what I can.
I do what I can.
Sometimes it feels enough.
Sometimes it feels more than enough.
Sometimes it feels far from enough.
But always I have some power. When I lived with anorexia nervosa I did not.
Anyway, back to the topic of food.
When I lived with anorexia nervosa food was terrifying.
The terror (there’s no other word I can think of to describe that feeling) coursing through my body as I watched someone prepare food, I knew I had to eat was phenomenal.
And I hated myself for it.
It’s very strange to write about because I just can no longer relate to how I felt that way, but I know it was true.
It was true for 15yrs of my life.
It’s a very real thing that people experience and if you are feeling panic or fear at the thought of eating, please know that you aren’t broken and that what you are experiencing now is valid, but (yes, there’s a but) it doesn’t have to be what you experience for the rest of your life.
These things are changeable.
And what I’ve come to learn is they are far more changeable than we have been led to believe by people who’ve never gone through successfully changing these things.
Seek out the people that have.
Summary
Let me know in the comments below or by emailing me if you are experiencing or have experienced any of the 3 fears I’ve shared above or any of the 3 in my last blog post 3 Things I Was Terrified of When I Lived with Anorexia?
I hope these two blogs have helped you to deepen your understanding of the reality of what it means to live with an eating disorder and more importantly what it means to recover from an eating disorder.
I hope you feel a sense of inspiration as to what’s possible.
Above all I hope you gain some insight as to the areas you may need to work on and how you might go about doing this.
Your life is finite.
And your life is now.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
