3 Ways You Can Support Your Loved One This Christmas.
If you are dreading facing Christmas day feeling like a hopeless, helpless, fearful or frustrated bystander as someone you love suffers with an eating disorder this post is for you.
Have faith in knowing that the reality is while you can’t take their pain away you can be of more help than you likely realise and because I know the chances of your loved one asking for the help they need are next to none in this post I give you 3 straightforward suggestions of ways in which you can proactively help your loved one and make this Christmas brighter for you both.
1. Know That They Are Doing Their Best
First and foremost, you must believe wholly and fully that your loved one is doing their best.
Please hold in your mind and heart always the knowledge that your loved one is doing their best with the resources they have at any and every point in time. Knowing this will help you to act with compassion and empathy and it is compassion and empathy that will allow the space and opportunity for your loved one to heal. They want to change, they wish desperately that things were different that they could just be ‘normal’ but contrary to popular belief desire to change does not equal change and on Christmas day the best way to be of help is through recognising and acknowledging that your loved one really is doing their best.
I can feel the frustration and fear as you think they ‘should’ be eating that Christmas pudding, or you think they would be so much happier if they just ate the buttered bread and potato bake like everyone else, but I assure you it simply isn’t true. What you must remember is your loved one is not ‘denying’ themselves or using willpower to not eat this or that food. They have a disease. That disease rules their every waking and sleeping moment and the fear to eat that this person you care deeply about is experiencing is all consuming. The pain associated with eating that food, even thinking about eating that food outweighs any level of pleasure they could get from eating it. Don’t add to their fear and confusion with pressure or guilt that they are letting you down because that will not lead to the food being eaten it will lead to more fear and retreat and if it did mean the food got eaten it will not be from a healthy place.
When you are on the journey to help a loved one on their path of recovery from an eating disorder it is rough in ways you could never have imagined however you must remember that you are also in a position of extreme influence and privilege because you are teaching them, they are looking to you for support, guidance, certainty and reassurance all of which is patchy in their fragile and unsafe world. Please be a source of inspiration and encouragement not a source of judgement or frustration because no matter how well-meaning your intentions the wrong actions which can easily be generated through fear can be harmful beyond what you can conceive. There is a big difference between pressure and pushing versus encouragement and support. What your loved one needs on this day is encouragement and support because healing will come when they can give this to themselves and a compassionately courageous role model is infinitely better than criticism or advice.
If you feel yourself thinking your loved one is not trying, or they could be doing better remind yourself that you are not in a position to judge. I can also assure you that they are doing their absolute best. Trust and act in alignment with this knowledge.
2. Don’t Draw Excessive Attention to Them
Your loved one wants to be a part of the connection, belonging and celebration but they don’t feel it because it is always overpowered by fear. Give them support through this, don’t treat them as strange or different because they are not as involved as you would like to see them. Do not segregate your loved one or focus all your energy on what they do or do not eat. They don’t want to be the centre of attention on this special day, they know full well that for them there is no enjoyment to be found in food, but they also know for others there is and this is more important to them. Do not make them feel as though their actions are ruining the day or your enjoyment in any way because this will only add to the guilt and shame and prevent them from choosing other ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
For someone with an eating disorder the feelings of guilt and shame are acute and overpowering adding to that noise in your loved one’s head will only serve to further reinforce and strengthen the eating disorder and fuel their inability to eat. Remember the eating disorder is not a part of your loved one and their thoughts and actions are out of their control until they learn otherwise. What is important today is that you don’t ignore or brush over their pain. Recognise that it is hard for them without making the limitations the eating disorder places on their life the focus of the day. This does not mean that you ignore them, nor does it mean you are condoning the behaviour it simply means you recognise that drawing unnecessary attention to their limitations will not solve this complicated issue, do not condense their struggles to the belief that eating on this day will cure all their problems. Address their behaviours, thoughts and most importantly feelings with empathy, compassion and acceptance without making the eating disorder the focal point of the day or all you see in them. Create a united from against the eating disorder; not your loved one remember they want to get well as much as you want them to get well.
Rather than threatening, monitoring, bribing or otherwise trying to get this person you love to eat please acknowledge their struggles without belittling their pain and accept their limitations today. A hand squeeze, a hug, a kind smile and reassuring gaze across the table can really be all it takes to stop the eating disorder from sinking your loved one’s thoughts into a downward spiral of shame, self-loathing and unworthiness. Be a source of consistent and reliable light in their uncertain world.
3. Remember the Big Picture
The reality is that no matter what your loved one eats on this day it isn’t going to change the fact that they have an eating disorder. I know it is difficult to see the big picture when you are afraid for your loved ones health and life but focusing on them just eating a bit more today won’t fix them. I know there is a profound relief that would come if you were to see your loved one fill up their plate or go back for seconds like everyone else however, that plate of food no matter how large and how it may put you at ease, is not going to cure them.
What truly matters is how your loved one feels as they choose foods and as they eat. If they have to battle with and despise themselves for doing so and suffer worse for having done so in all honesty it is ‘better’ if they ate nothing. The torment of an eating disorder is in your loved one’s mind, it is what they feel inside them, it isn’t on the plate. Therefore, you must let it go. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t encourage and support them but it does mean that you recognise that your added pressure to an already excruciating experience isn’t the way to help. The best thing you can do on this day is be the example because your loved one needs to know what is possible, they need to see people eating and enjoying and you are in the perfect position to be this role model for them.
The big picture is while it certainly matters what you do on this day as a step towards a healthy, recovered life for your loved one you will not cure them on this day day, therefore let it go. Let the fight and the pushing go, it hasn’t worked yet therefore it is time to try something new. As hard as it is with all your fears please put your effort into supporting them from a place of unconditional love and ensure they get the help they desperately need outside of this day.
Take Home Message
My heart goes out to you. You, suffering with an eating disorder and you, helping your loved one recover from an eating disorder this Christmas I see you, I hear you and I honour you. You are both brave beyond measure.
I wish I could reassure you that these 3 suggestions would make it easy, that by following them you will breeze through Christmas with joy and carefree laughter, but I can’t. With an eating disorder there is no time off, not for the sufferer and not for those who love and cherish them. However, what I can offer you is the knowledge that through keeping your focus on the big picture and acting with compassion and forgiveness towards yourself and your loved one together you can and will do this. There will be a Christmas where the eating disorder no longer has a place at the table and the truth of this is you will look back and see that every inch of pain you endured to make it so will have been infinitely worth it.
Above all please do not underestimate the power you possess to change not just this one day but the course of the rest of your loved ones lifetime because there is a reason this person you love has not healed and it is not that they are incapable it is that they simply haven not yet found the way for them, together we will.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
