3 keys to getting through D-day.
First off, I want to start by sharing with you the things I will not be telling you to do in this post. I will not be telling you to be brave, strong, courageous or any other variation of these words. I know you are brave and strong beyond measure and I am not going to belittle or downplay your experience by telling you to “just” focus on the good as though that will make the bad any less painful. I not going to tell you to be grateful for all that you have or “just” try to enjoy the company and the experience. I know what you will be focusing on and I know gratitude with an eating disorder is synonymous with guilt and shame. I know you are grateful for the people you get to spend Christmas with and I know no amount of focusing on that will remove the fear. Being terrified does not mean that you are not grateful, and it does not mean that you “just” need to focus on how blessed you are, it means that you need help to heal your very real fears so that you can move forward into the life you deserve.
It’s a hard day and the pressure to be ‘normal’, the pressure to enjoy, the pressure to not let anyone down is already crippling without someone else telling you what you should “just” do like it’s easy. Instead I am here to tell you the complete opposite I am here to reassure you that it is ok to feel the way you feel. You don’t have to try to trick or convince yourself to feel any other way than what you do. Yes, Christmas is a special occasion, but you are a special person and your feelings, your true feelings are more important than all the special occasions in the history of the universe combined.
You will enjoy Christmas again therefore in all honesty the fact a lot of this day is going to suck doesn’t matter beyond today, let it go because what does matter is if you destroy yourself for not feeling how you want to feel or how others want you to feel. We will work on your real fears until you enjoy Christmas more than you’ve ever enjoyed Christmas before because it is entirely achievable, but today is not the day. Today is the day to let it go and treat yourself with the utmost compassion by keeping in your mind these 3 suggestions.
1. Accept Exactly Where You Are
Recovery is hard.
Do not downplay that.
Accept where you are on your journey. The food is going to be hard. The day is going to be hard. You don’t need to ask why you feel this or that, you don’t need to ask what’s ‘wrong’ with you. You are in recovery from a disease and these are symptoms of the disease, don’t beat yourself up for trying. Let those thoughts be there without scrutiny, without judgement.
Do not pressure yourself into believing that you must enjoy the food, the company, the conversation because it’s entirely ok to not. You don’t have to be or do anything you are not. You don’t even have to enjoy yourself and you certainly don’t have to make others feel comfortable that you are enjoying yourself. That’s not your job. One day you will enjoy it all and this will all this will be an unimportant memory compared to the life you are going to live therefore, today simply accept where you are wholly and fully knowing that it won’t be like this forever. Today you don’t have to fight to feel another way, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are and feel the way you feel. Feel how it feels to give yourself judgement free permission to feel the way you feel. Recovery is hard, respect that and respect yourself for choosing it even still. If it were easy, you’d have done it, if it was easy people wouldn’t die from this disease, if it were easy it would feel easy.
2. Be Honest; Be Vulnerable
Do you think it makes you strong when you put on your bravest face and tell everyone that you are just fine and enjoying the day and the food is great when the reality is it’s all a lie? Do you think that makes anyone’s day better least of all yours to have kept all your terror inside? The truth is it doesn’t. You’re not being a martyr by suffering in silence. Enduring the torment alone is not noble. It serves no one and nothing except the eating disorder. You always need to speak your truth, today is the perfect day to practice.
No matter how much you think you should not draw others into your pain or burden them with your ‘silly’ fears you must. Being honest and being vulnerable both with yourself and with those you trust are keys to recovery. If someone is supporting you through this day be it your mum, brother, partner or other carer answer their questions honestly. Tell them “I really don’t want that pasta salad anywhere near me” as you or they ladle it onto your plate and you eat it through the fear. When they ask you if you like the trifle answer truthfully between mouthfuls “I can’t think of anything more disgusting and I hate that it is going into my body”. Just because you are eating does not mean that you must pretend to enjoy it. Be honest.
I know that it may be impossible to comprehend right now but one day you will laugh at all those things which once petrified you. However, in order to get there, you must relinquish the need to downplay your suffering with the misguided intention of protecting others. You are in pain, admit it. Trust that others are 100% resilient and resourceful enough to deal with it because I can tell you they are and one day you will feel this also. You can’t do it all alone any longer. Free yourself of your need to please others and feel what that feels like to be 100% open, vulnerable and (brutally) honest for this day.
3. Forgive Yourself
Instead of beating yourself up for every little thing you did ‘wrong’ or for the fact that you didn’t enjoy the day, that you couldn’t properly engage and be present with those you love and those whom love you choose instead to forgive yourself.
Let those self-judgemental thoughts go and let go of all the judgement you think others are placing on you. There are some things you don’t get to decide in this life and what others think of you is one of them. The truth is they don’t know what you are feeling. I know that every day you try your hardest, that you are operating at your full capacity and you must also acknowledge this within yourself. Know your limitations and know in your heart that you did the best you could do as you always do and forgive yourself for not being as ‘perfect’ as you want to be. You are in recovery from a disease and are not in a position to judge yourself. Nor is aunty Pat or grandpop Larry or Bob from the corner store for that matter but they will, and it doesn’t matter because the only one you have ever and will ever need approval and forgiveness from is yourself. Today forgive yourself for every little thing you deemed a ‘short falling’ and go into the next breath with complete renewal of commitment to a better life that accepts you just as you are.
Parting Words of Encouragement
I wish I could make you see how beautiful you are, I wish I could be there to hold your hand every time you have to pick up that damn fork, I wish I could hug you through the disapproving looks and words of others, I wish I could replace that demon in your head with kindness and compassion and I wish most of all that I could show you how amazing you will one day feel. Perhaps knowing that I want these things for you and I know and believe with my whole heart that they are possible for you will give you the little bit more you need to get through but what I really want you to know is that it’s not about just getting through Christmas or this one hard day or moment here and there it’s about the whole big picture, it’s about the rest of your life. That is what we are really creating here, the rest of your life, a life where you are recovered and not in a way that is less than you deserve, not in a way that is simply just no longer being at war within yourself but where you love, cherish, forgive and accept yourself unconditionally.
For today accept yourself exactly where you are, don’t try to be any more healed than you are, don’t try to be more or less of anything, be vulnerable and honest with those who love and care for you, they want to help and they can help so much more if you let them in and finally forgive yourself, forgive yourself for not being ‘normal’, for not enjoying the food, for not being able to focus or fully engage in the day because one day soon you will and as unbelievable as it sounds when you reach this new life all the pain will truly have been worth it.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
