It feels strange to look back at my time in Anorexia. A part of me wants to forget the pain, forget the past, and ‘move on’.. But a deeper part of myself knows that confronting my past and accepting it as a part of who I am will lead to deeper healing than simply trying to leave it all behind.
It took seven years to reach the point of being able to go through my day without having to obsess over food, weight, comparison and everything else that comes with an eating disorder. Seven years of uphill battles, with a diagnosis at the age of 13 and a relapse in college, to reach the point of living a life free from Anorexia.
It’s strange looking back, because it all seems like a dream now. I’m such a different person than before. To leave it all behind, to forget and change my past, would mean I’d have to change who I am now.. And I wouldn’t change who I am for anything.
My recovery defined me. It helped me not only understand who I was, but how to love and accept who I found underneath.
There were a number of things that all added up to the end of Anorexia for me. There were many ups, and a lot of downs, but a handful of turning points that changed it all. Looking back, now that the ‘veil’ has been lifted so to speak, my hope is to share some of those moments that turned it all around for me. Before moving forward, I want you to remember that everyone’s recovery looks different. What I share here is a part of my journey, and while I hope that all of it will be able to help you push for recovery in new ways, your journey may look different than mine – and that’s OK.
The Power of People
Perhaps one of the most detrimental things eating disorders cause us to do is draw away from other people. Depression and anxiety cause us to pull away normally, but mixing that with all of the food and weight-related aspects of an eating disorder make for a dangerous combination; one that usually ends up pulling us away from the very thing we need to turn things around – people.
Without a doubt, having others around – others who wanted the best for me – was one of the biggest things that lead to my recovery. My parents were the first to notice that something was wrong. They fought for me when no one else would. When three doctors told me I “was fine” and “just needed to eat more”, my parents persisted. They knew something wasn’t right, and they got me in touch with the right people who officially diagnosed me. I might not be here without them.
All of the nutritionists, therapists and doctors I’ve had over the last seven years have done more than just make sure I was physically getting to where I needed to be. They helped reshape my definition of what it means to have a healthy relationship with food and with myself. They helped me dig deep, ask the right questions.. They helped me get my life back.
I’ll never again underestimate the power of surrounding myself with the right people.
I can’t recommend enough getting in touch with the right people / person. A trained professional, someone who specializes in eating disorders, who you work well with, has the potential to change everything.
The Power of Weight
This is very specific, but still one that changed a lot for me. One of the first goals my nutritionist and therapist had was getting my body to a specific set weight. For the sake of everyone reading I won’t say what it was, but they told me that when I reached that goal a mental ‘switch’ would happen – that my thoughts would change in a good way.
And you know what? They were right.
There are many different parts of recovery. A number are mental, some physical – this was a physical goal that lead to a mental change. Up to this point, really none of the decisions that were being made were being made willingly on my part. I fought hard against everything the people around me were trying to do to help me recover.. So reaching that initial goal weight took a long time and was a big struggle.
Eventually I reached that goal, and when I did a lot changed. I would consider this one of the major turning points in my recovery. It really was almost like a switch had gone off in my brain, like the fog of my eating disorder was starting to clear. I could finally see, I could finally understand and accept that there were things I needed to work through. Even though this happened years after I was officially diagnosed, I finally accepted that I had Anorexia.
Not only could I begin to think again, but I could begin to take my own initiative in recovery.
Up to that point, everyone else was carrying me (gracefully) to where I needed to be. Now, I finally felt like I could walk again – like I could fight back against the eating disorder.
This is the thing that the eating disorder is most afraid of, but the very thing that has the power to destroy it. There’s a reason I put ‘The Power of People’ before ‘The Power of Weight’.. I couldn’t have reached this point without the right people to help me push through.
The Power of “What If?”
Those people in my life and reaching that goal weight set me up for success in a lot of ways. Past that point, recovery was still difficult but got a little easier. I continued gaining healthy weight through high school, ending up in one of the best mental and physical points of my life by the time I graduated. I still was worried about my self-image and would compare myself with others endlessly, but at least food was under control in my life.
I graduated, went off to college, and unfortunately found myself in the middle of a relapse. I wasn’t willing to accept it at first, but I’d lost enough weight and felt my mental happiness slowly slipping away. I stepped into therapy again, trying my best to make sure I didn’t drop any lower.
I won’t touch too much on this period of time (definitely another story for another time), but this time of processing through my relapse in college was actually what led to where I am now – it’s what lead to the breaking of my Anorexia.
This period of time was what equipped me with the Power of ‘What if?’. I’ve since-then used this same tool to help push me grow in a number of other ways, and get out of some rough spots outside of eating disorders.. So what is the Power of ‘What if?’
It’s approaching everything I do as an experiment. Eating disorders have a funny way of turning everything into an extreme: ‘If I eat this burger I’m going to get fat’, ‘Peanut butter is bad for me’, ‘If I don’t work out for two hours it’s like I didn’t work out at all’.. These are examples of phrases that went through my head. I started to recognize that all of my thoughts were extremes – that I was essentially just giving myself no in-between to discover if my thoughts were actually true, if eating something like a burger would ruin everything for me.
I started asking myself, `What if?’ questions.
What if I actually ate that burger? What if I actually worked out 30 minutes less? What if I got what I wanted at McDonalds rather than what was ‘best’ for me to get?
I approached almost everything I did as an experiment. I was tired of worrying so much.. I was tired of the lies my eating disorder was telling me, and was determined to find the truth out for myself. This one question – the question of ‘What if?’ – pushed me to seek the truth out for myself. And you know what?
It turns out you’ll be just fine after eating that delicious burger you’ve been eyeing for the past three years.
In Summary
There’s so much more I could go into, but I want to relieve you from having to read a novel! These three things:
The Power of People
The Power of Weight
The Power of ‘What if?’
They each changed the trajectory of my life and pushed me to recover in more ways than I’m sure I’m aware of. Individually, each of these are so important.. But together, they create a force powerful enough to eradicate an eating disorder.
I really want to emphasize again the fact that everyone’s recovery is going to look a bit different.. But while our paths may head in different directions, my hope is that these three turning points might bring some real change to the battle you’re facing, whether it’s with an eating disorder or something similar.
Know that recovery is possible. Life free from the chains of an eating disorder is possible.
And you’re already on your way
With all my heart I want to thank you Cameron for sharing your story with me and even more so allowing me to share it perhaps with the person who may just need to hear it most…
Full recovery is real and those who have fought and won are one of the best places to look for insight on how you can find your freedom. You can find Cameron on Instagram @cameronyoder or YouTube Cameron Yoder for more of his incredible work.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
