Last week I got very sick with a kidney infection.
This was the first time I’ve had to go to hospital in my adult life for a reason unrelated to anorexia nervosa (I broke my arm and was bitten by a snake as a kid).
It was painful, it was intense, and the triggers of past trauma were, in moments so very vivid and could easily have been all consuming had I allowed them to be but instead I reminded myself that this was an entirely different situation and instead I was able to relatively candidly observe, compare and contrast it all to my other hospitalisations with anorexia nervosa.
I had so many realisations during those hours lying on that bed under those bright lights and surrounded by the seemingly endless beeps and alarms.
What else could I do?
I had nothing to distract me.
I was in too much pain to move and I was too delirious to read or even do any frantic Instagram scrolling.
For this experience, which at the time was the biggest inconvenience because I missed out on a training I’d have loved to have gone to, had to cancel clients, felt too sick to take new bookings, send invoices and do all the behind the scenes business stuff that you’ve got to do when you run a business, I am now grateful.
Life is for learning and in those days, I learnt many things.
A brief snippet of which I want to share with you now because on the other side of anorexia nervosa everything is different and I think to know this is more important than the endless pursuit of any information, education or knowledge you could ever acquire on “how to be healthy”.
The way you feel now does not have to be the way you feel for the rest of your life.
3 Things I Learned During My First Non-Anorexia-Nervosa-Related Hospital Experience
- I Actually Care About My Health
Each time I was hospitalised with anorexia nervosa it was never by choice.
I never fully believed I had to be there.
I never believed I was “sick enough”.
Not even when there was irrefutable cold hard medical evidence that I was indeed sick enough to be dead.
I also never believed what I was doing was within my control.
I never believed the harmful behaviours were within my ability to stop or change because I wasn’t doing them because I wanted to do them, I was doing them because I “had” to do them.
I knew how to eat well, I knew the things I thought in my mind weren’t right (and yet, I believed them) but I didn’t care enough about me, myself as an individual and therefore my health to put any of it into practice.
I wanted to be ok with all my heart, for others.
I cared far more about making others feel comfortable and helping them believe that I was ok, then I cared about actually learning how to do the things which would make me ok.
With anorexia my health was out of my hands.
I knew (believed) this to be true.
Therefore, it didn’t really matter what anyone told me to do because it was beyond me. It just added to the guilt, shame and humiliation that I couldn’t do it.
That I was broken beyond repair.
I never deliberately wanted to be sick or to harm myself it was just that to do the opposite and all the things which equalled self-care was impossible.
This time when I was in hospital, I truly wanted to know what I could do to get better because I cared, because I valued my health, because I valued me, and what is most important was that I was now able to follow that information and advice.
I had choice.
It makes me so sad for my past self to remember that it was any other way, to remember what she believed and what she felt and I want you to know that if you’re in a similar position this can change for you.
What you feel now does not have to be what you feel in your future.
Learning: When you truly love, respect and value yourself you can do the things which are good for you, when you don’t you can’t.
2. I Am A Human Being With Needs
I’d never had an experience with sickness where I could recognise what I needed and even more significantly where I was able to express what I needed.
This may not sound like much but compared to my time sick with anorexia it was revolutionary.
When I was sick with anorexia nervosa I truly thought other people somehow knew my needs especially because I could not fully identify them myself and also because it was a little game anorexia liked to play “if they don’t do x, y, z they don’t love or care about you”.
When I was sick with anorexia, I told no one what I felt.
For the majority of the time I struggled it was an unspeakable shame riddled secret.
This was even more so during my hospitalisations because I could not have borne the shame to have had people see me like that (again).
This time when I was in hospital, I told people I was sick.
I told people that I couldn’t come into work, I cancelled clients, I missed a training and on one of the days I even asked my mum if she could please go and buy me some bread (peanut butter and bananas which became a diet mainstay for a few days).
Not only did asking for the help I needed not feel terrifying, it felt natural and I recognised that people were more than happy to help in the ways they could.
Learning: You are a human being with needs, and you don’t have to have it all together all the time in order to be loved. It’s good to ask for help.
3. Healthcare Workers Treated Me Extremely Differently
I have no words to describe the pain inflicted by the ways in which I was treated by other human beings working in the hospital and healthcare systems when I was sick with anorexia nervosa.
All I will say is the stigma, absolute misunderstanding and shame of eating disorders was alive and thriving during the full 15 years I struggled.
When I was sick with anorexia my mistreatment by others, especially hospital staff was devastating and soul destroying because I had no filters.
I had no barriers, boundaries or protection between what others did and said and how it made me feel.
I had zero emotional regulation or control.
Everything I felt, I felt acutely in a way I cannot even describe now.
The disapproval and maltreatment of others utterly destroyed me.
I just wanted to be good, to be approved of, I followed all the rules, I did everything right and I was a kind human being so when I was treated less then human, I couldn’t understand why.
It broke my heart.
This time what I realised, which was more important than the fact that I was being treated far differently (no one treated me as though I didn’t want to get better or spoke about me as though I was not there, there were no threats, I was involved in my treatment and I was asked if I wanted to do or take this or that) was that even if I had not been treated great, even if I’d been treated some of the ways I had been in the past, I’d have been ok.
I’d have had the skills and self-belief within myself to be ok.
I know now, very well, who I am and what I stand for and other people’s treatment of me does not alter my ability to be me through it all.
Of course, it still sucks when people are unkind and I think even more so when it comes from those in healthcare and positions of power to help because I think the world can be so much more than that, but it no longer destroys me.
Learning: When you are clear in your heart about who you are and you respect yourself, other people’s treatment of you cannot control you.
Healing
As a final note I’d like to share the moment I knew I was going to get better was the moment I did self-hypnosis.
The moment I switched from telling myself “if I have to feel like this for the rest of my life I’d rather die” (yes, somewhat sheepishly I’ll admit I really did have that thought) to “I am healing and I am going to be healthier and stronger because of this”.
I felt my healing truly begin the moment I decided to let go of all the things I was missing out on and all the things I couldn’t do because of this sickness and instead focus on all the things I was gaining because of this experience, what it had to teach me and what I could take away and put into practice in my life.
Now, there is no way I am saying I would have got to this point without medical intervention because I wouldn’t have (give me all the antibiotics!), but I do believe it would have taken much longer and maybe even gotten worse if I’d not taken the time to do this self-hypnosis.
This is called practicing what you preach.
Which I have come to appreciate is one of the most important parts of my work.
You must know and believe in your heart of hearts that what you do is real and meaningful in order to truly help others because in the words of someone far smarter than me:
“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others, it is the only means”
~ Einstein.
With My Whole Heart I Hope You Found This Information Useful and Inspiring
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
15 thoughts on “3 Things I Learned During My First Non-Anorexia-Nervosa-Related Hospital Experience”
Beautiful. I had a similar experience having my appendix out a little while ago. And this Fri I go to the hospital to have my first baby appointment 🤗
Aw thanks Fiona <3 it was certainly a very different experience to what I was used to and a completely new way of looking at the medical system for me.
This is amazing news and just wow! I am very excited for you <3
This is a topic that is near to my heart… Take care!
Where are your contact details though?
Hi Jacquelyn,
Thank you for your nice words. It is certainly something which touches the hearts of those who’ve lived it or have had or have a loved one living it <3 All my love and strength goes to you.
My contact details are on my contact page of this website (www.fuellingsuccess.com) my email is [email protected] phone number (Australia) 0435 379 953.
Warmly,
Bonnie
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Hi, thank you for your feedback on words and picture ratio. It’s super appreciated.
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