Over the years I’ve worked with many people who are on the spectrum as well as the partners of people on the spectrum.
I’ve also had my own personal experiences in falling in love with, trying to get close to, understand and best support an atypical person so I know firsthand as a neurotypical human being that it can be extremely confusing, hurtful and potentially heartbreaking to navigate what can, without an understanding feel incredibly selfish, rude and cold.
However, I also know there is no reason a neurotypical and atypical cannot create a strong, mutually rewarding and uplifting romantic relationship when there is a genuine desire to invest the energy and effort into doing so. In fact, when you play to the strengths of each person this combination is powerful because in the words of one of my most favourite therapists:
“We get together on the basis of our similarities; we grow on the basis of our differences.”
~ Virgina Satir.
If you suspect you or the person you love may have Asperger’s or high functioning Autism, here are a few ways of helping you identify:
9 Signs You or Your Partner May be Atypical:
- You can’t do small talk
- You are easily overwhelmed and don’t like being in groups of people
- You like to systematise and organise everything
- You don’t understand why people get offended when you are “just telling the truth”
- You take almost everything literally
- You feel you have to fake social norms and they don’t come naturally
- You find it hard to pick up on the feelings or signals from others
- You feel the only way you can deal with emotions is to shut off
- You feel incredibly uncomfortable with change
As I said from the perspective of a neurotypical person unfortunately these traits as benign and innocent as they actually are being nothing more sinister than a difference in perceiving and interacting with the world, can in reality feel selfish, rude and cold to be on the receiving end of.
Hence why I’ve written this post.
These four tips I’m about to share with you offer a straightforward means by which you can begin to relate to and understand one another better, start feeling more understood, accepted and appreciated for who you are and importantly maintain a long term relationship and intimacy rather than feel the urge to give up when faced with challenges.
Tip #1 Talk About It
If you have been formally diagnosed with Asperger’s or Autism be open to ongoing communication about what this means for you in terms of the ways you think and feel and what you need.
If you haven’t been formally diagnosed but suspect you or your partner may be on the spectrum speak about your needs by saying things like “rather than continuously trying to get me to talk I need space and time out alone to think when I am feeling overwhelmed. I will come to you when I am ready to talk”.
This clear communication can help your partner to understand that when you distance yourself from them or when you say very direct things you do not mean them in a negative way.
The important thing with this is that the conversation remains open and isn’t a one-off discussion that’s over and done with and everyone is expected to now understand fully and completely and move on remembering and trusting everything that was said. There will be times your partner may still feel offended by your unintentional actions and to allow them the safe space to speak this, listen and reassure them is more valuable than any one-off discussion.
Just as you at times find it hard to understand them and their motives, they are likely finding it hard to understand you. Which means regular, clear and compassionate communication is the only way you can both come to understand one another and have both your needs met.
When you are clear from the outset that you have Asperger’s and because of this your mind works a little differently you help the person to accept that you are not going to be a “normal” boyfriend or girlfriend and that nothing you or they do will ever change that you have Asperger’s. This takes the pressure of both of you because just as it is exhausting to be trying to change or “fix” someone no one wants to be dating someone and feeling like they are not good enough just as they are and that they are trying to be made into something they are not.
Tip #2 Understand No Relationship is Perfect
When it comes down to it a relationship is only as strong as the effort both parties are willing to invest into making the relationship strong. Nothing more or less complicated than this.
There is never going to be an effortless relationship.
Misunderstandings and miscommunications are a part of any and every relationship even between two neurotypical people and it is not the fact that misunderstandings and miscommunications occur that is a sign the relationship isn’t working out or that two you’re not right for each other but rather how you deal with misunderstandings and miscommunications which is make or break.
Make sure you take the time to explain the motivations behind your actions to your partner if they are confused or upset because what seems obvious to them or something they may be expecting you to know you may have simply missed.
Assuming motivation behind actions is something we all tend to do and if there is the safe space to have open, patient and respectful communication without letting it go unattended for too long this will go a long way towards increasing feelings of trust and connection and there is perhaps nothing more foundational to a good relationship than trust.
Tip #3 Ask Your Partner How They’d Like to Be Treated
This may seem obvious or simple but often the most obvious and simplest of actions hold the most power.
You must understand that your neurotypical partner wants and expects empathy and spontaneity because these are interpreted as genuine human displays of interest and care, if you’re not able to give this it is going to leave your partner feeling unloved and uncared for. That’s not personal it’s biological.
The way that you can prevent your partner feeling unloved and uncared for is to ask them how they’d like to be treated and what you can do that will help them to feel loved and then most crucially of all, do it.
Even if you don’t understand why it’s important to them, know that it is important to them and if it is important to them the best way to show them that they are important to you is to listen and do the things they ask (if they are reasonable and realistic).
You don’t have to understand why they need what they need in order to feel loved, just that they do.
Tip #4 Say Sorry
This is perhaps the most important tip of all.
When neurotypical people are told they are wrong for being upset (even if they are wrong for being upset because they completely misunderstood the situation and the intentions of your actions) they take it as invalidation of their feelings, that you don’t care that you’ve upset them and emotional neglect.
Which of course is not your intention or how you want them to feel because you are simply trying to explain your perspective so instead please, if you upset your partner instead of telling them they’re wrong to be upset tell them you are sorry and ask them why they are upset and what you can do to help.
Get this one right and watch your world change.
Final Things to Remember
I want to leave you with this quote from Mark Tyrell because I think it sums up nicely all I’ve tried to convey in this post in that a relationship whether it be between two neurotypicals or a neurotypical and an atypical have challenges. And in order to be sustainable and uplifting for both involved must come with a mutual willingness to invest time and energy into getting to know the other person and getting to truly know another person comes from clear communication and trusting in their experience of the world.
“If we assume others see the world the way we do, we assume they should behave as we do. Then when they don’t, we assume they’re being mean or being stupid or any other negative motive we can think of. When if we just took a moment to appreciate, they see things differently to us we could avoid the whole wretched spiral”.
~ Mark Tyrell.
We don’t choose who we fall in love with based on their condition but based on who they are as a person.
If you are living with Asperger’s or high functioning Autism or if you are in a relationship with a person with Asperger’s or Autism I hope you use these 4 tips to help you to strengthen the connection between you and your partner because understanding the quirks and intricacies of the person you love is a grand adventure.
If two people are open and willing to do this, even in the times it is difficult there exists perhaps no more rewarding journey because to love and be loved for exactly who you are is the highest and most fulfilling of human desires.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
2 thoughts on “4 Tips to Help You Maintain a Relationship if You Have Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism”
Im thankful for the blog. Really looking forward to read more. Really Great. Ina Maximilianus Cornelie
You’re welcome