How many times have you said or heard someone else speak a variation of the phrase “I know I shouldn’t but…” or “I know I should but…”
The emotional anguish and frustration that underlies these words can range from mild to utterly life destroying.
So, why do we do it (or not do it)?
Why do we continue to smoke years after our dad died of emphysema, why do we continue to put ourselves down amongst friends, why is it that every time we get close to a promotion at work we suddenly stuff up and why do we leave relationships we know are loving and respectful and choose those we know in our hearts are anything but?
Why do we continue to do the things we know are bad for us and not do the things we know are good for us?
Why is it that so often we can’t simply just do those things we want to do and stop doing those things we don’t want to do?
Why do we self-sabotage?
For one straightforward and simple reason (that up until a few years ago I’d never even known was a thing) and it is because many, and I would argue all, of the things we do are governed by more than the desires, knowledge and logic of our conscious mind.
Many of our emotional drivers remain unconscious. Which means that many of the reasons behind our actions and why we do what we do remain unconscious because it is so often our emotions which are driving our actions.
This means that it’s simply not a conscious decision to mess things up.
Sure, we can use all sorts of conscious reasoning to justify why we’re doing what we’re doing but the truth is a lot of what we do is generated in our unconscious long before it comes to consciousness, we act upon it and then try to come up with reasons as to why we did or didn’t do a thing after we’ve done or not done it.
In a nutshell any problem that persists is a compulsion because it’s not operating at the level of our conscious mind.
This fact is one of the reasons why I most always employ the wisdom and resources of the unconscious mind when helping people to make changes that they want to make but don’t seem to be able to.
We have within us insights, resources, skills and abilities that stretch far beyond those our conscious mind possesses and we are selling ourselves short every time we don’t tap into those.
In all honestly, when we rely solely on our conscious mind to make a change, especially if it is anything enduring for which we have all the knowledge and awareness of what we “should” be doing can at best be prolonging our change and at worst preventing our change.
Which to me is an incredible shame given that through my experience what can be an all-consuming and seemingly impossible to overcome problem can often be resolved relatively quickly once the conscious and unconscious mind are working together.
With all this in mind here are 3 simple things you can begin to do from today without any further knowledge, training or tools that should you choose to do them, not just read about them I can guarantee will make a difference to your ability to stop self-sabotaging and instead do the things you want to do.
- Step Into Curiosity
If there was one thing, I could encourage most of the people who come into my office to do that would perhaps have a greater impact on the quality of how they live the rest of their life than maybe anything else it would be to let go of the self-judgement.
Learning hypnosis and using hypnosis has opened my mind to a way of bringing about quick change I didn’t know possible. It has allowed me to let go of the judgement and step into a curiosity and openness I’d never before experienced both towards myself and others.
How do you step into curiosity?
If you imagine just for a day going about all that you do without changing a single thing and while you do simply drop the judgement, watch what you’re doing and observe why you’re doing it.
Sometimes giving up the fight alone is enough to allow us to make the change, sometimes more work needs to be done but always will we find a kinder experience of life.
It is so often the case in life that we find it easy to tell others the very best advice, to take care of and be kind to themselves but until it is supported within us it doesn’t matter what we say.
Become that person first and you will do more to heal the world than any amount of loving words of counsel you could ever can speak.
2. Use Your imagination
Decide and imagine what it means for you to feel successful.
It may sound strange but if you don’t know what it is that you want you may just not realise when you are living it.
In fact you could be living it now and missing out on fully experiencing or appreciating it.
Take the time to get clear on your true version of success.
This does not mean it’s fixed and unchangeable because as you grow and progress through life your goals will undoubtably shift and change but if you want to add direction, purpose and the ability to be present and enjoy the moments of your life while you’re living it then I truly encourage you to get clear on what success means for you.
Most of all what I want you to get clear on is how you want to feel because knowing what to do is a world away from knowing you want to feel when you do it.
Hope is not a plan.
Hope is not a strategy for success.
At some stage if you want to reach that success you’ve recognised you want then you’re going to have to trade hope for a plan.
3. Consider the “Grey” (and all the colours within the spectrum)
In the work that I do one of the most common things I see holding people back is black and white or all or nothing thinking.
That is things have to be one way to be “good” and if they are not, they are “bad” or “right” or “wrong”. The best example I can give of this is the comments section of social media. If someone presents another point of view than our own it seems to be that many people cannot imagine that both can coexist or that two people can have different understandings and beliefs on things and both be equally valid.
And before you skip over this part because you think you don’t do this, this is exactly why you need to read this.
When it comes to my work, often clients come with a plan in their mind of how they’d like their recovery or healing to go and in the initial consult I often have to gently help them understand that if this plan was going to work it would have.
Many times, they’ve tried a variation of the same theme for years (and years and years) and I was one of these people during my recovery from anorexia nervosa. I desperately committed myself again and again to more of the same strategy of doing recovery hoping that it would lead me somewhere different.
When you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, that there’s nothing you can do about it or as though you’ve tried everything and nothing works the truth is you may feel this way and at the same time there’s a lot you can do about it. There is always more than one solution to a problem.
We just don’t always see them when we’re deep in the midst of the problem and fixated upon our cure or change looking a certain precise way.
Considering the grey means considering other possibilities for how things could become good as well as be good.
Even the happiest of relationships isn’t joy 100% of the time and even working a job you love is sometimes still hard.
Embrace the grey because there are many ways to live a successful life.
Main Takeaways
There are 3 main points I’d like you to take away from this post:
1. We don’t do things for no reason.
All those things you do that you know you “shouldn’t do” and all those things you don’t do that you know you “should” do there are reasons why. It is just that sometimes those reasons and therefore the solutions aren’t conscious.
If you’re really stuck on making a change you’ve been wanting to make for a while or have only ever had transient success with it’s likely that education or willpower is not where you’re lacking, and I encourage you to get help from someone who works with bridging the gap between your conscious and unconscious mind. It makes life so much clearer, happier and fulfilling.
2. No matter how hard it is right now you don’t know what’s possible.
I want you to know that what you’ve been told is impossible or what you think is impossible may very well not be now, in a day, a week or a year…
And perhaps most important of all
3. Go explore life…
With my whole heart I trust you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
2 thoughts on “How to Stop Self Sabotage: 3 Tips to Get Out of Your Own Way”
A fantastic read that highlights the importance of the unconscious and how until it becomes conscious, self sabotage will continue.
I’m happy to hear you liked it. Thank you for letting me know.