Inside A Recovery Attempt from Anorexia Nervosa: Diary Thoughts 2012-2014

2012

Entry 1.

And just like that I’d one it.

Again.

You might think it ludicrous to claim ignorance of what was happening, and I could not challenge you. There was a small, weak part of me that was aware.

But ridiculously the worries, thoughts of consequence and repercussions were silenced under the façade that I could give them consideration at some other time. And that some other time never came.

If only I’d allowed myself those ten minutes of time out to think!

And now I see.

Now I see the mirrors and the looks, and I am ashamed.

But of course it is too late.

Again!

I am in a battle with a past I cannot undo.

Regrets and wishings of doing everything different if I could only have that precious time over. 

Now it’s like awakening from a dream and I can see everything so clearly, but I can’t take it back. The one thing I want. 

I can fix it, but it takes time. The best place I had to heal was here. I could have been so healthy, I somehow thought I was.

I was so happy, now replaced by headaches and worry! I wanted to see everything and do everything every day. No time for myself, no time for nurturing, for thinking, just go.

This is the last time.

This time I will fix it on my own.

And I will never return to this body.

I will make this better…

Again.

Entry 4.

Goal: Gain 10kg in 1month. Then another 10kg after.

Entry 7.

Remember that it gets easier than this, the beginning is the hardest. 

It gets faster and easier.

Entry 8.

And every day was getting increasingly desperate.

Things I wouldn’t have touched the day before were scoffed down.

The pain is intense. Sleep exists as a memory only.

I want that time over. 

I want this to end.

I can’t believe that this is real. I have 2 weeks before I fly out and having done this before I know it just isn’t possible.

Nutella, powdered milk and peanut butter. When was the last time they were midnight snacks?

If I had given myself just one moment to breathe, to think!

There are all these “why’s” and “if only’s” and the only person involved, the only person who can answer them is me. 

And I can’t. 

I have a few theories as to why because I’ve done this before but this time really was supposed to be different and I’d done everything I could to make it not work!

I wish I could just get an injection to make it better again. 

I would give all my money to have that time over.

Entry 10.

So, my last 2 weeks in paradise are spent inside, interspersed with the occasional paranoid, guilt ridden swim to cool off.

You remember that night I had the coffee your sister made? I was shaking, talking a million miles and going crazy while you tried to sleep. 

You should see me now. 

How hard I have to concentrate to keep this pencil on the line. You should see how wide my eyes are, how fast my mind is racing.

I am surprised though by how much I can eat.

I thought my stomach would have been smaller, shrunken, shrivelled, useless. It was so easy, natural, effortless to not eat.

I hope that one day in the future I will be able to tell you of this as a past unpleasant but unimportant memory. 

I could have been so healthy.

Entry 13.

And I force myself to feel my body in the dark. 

My cold fingers shakily poke at paper thin skin and sinew where hips once were, where a bum once existed, and it feels like all hope is lost. 

And for the first time I remember your words and wish I had listened. Wished I had known you were serious. 

“Don’t lose this bum”. 

So many things make me want to cry but I can’t allow myself to lose the energy that luxury would devour.

2013.

Entry 14.

No identity beyond her failure to create the perfect world for others…

Entry 15.

And I’m not entirely sure how I feel other than I don’t want to feel this way.

Entry 17.

I guess there is that one thing I still can’t say because if will mean that I will have to let it go; forever. 

I need something. It’s not you anymore.

Entry 18.

Anorexia was never kind, but she gave me a place to hide.

She tricked me into believing that that was all I was worthy of. 

I fought so hard to be who she wanted me to be, to be unworthy. I fought so hard to be nothing.

And I feel like I am waiting for something. I don’t know what. Waiting to be loved? And it’s never ending.

Entry 21.

Today, again, maybe I can do it.

For what?

Entry 23.

I am hungry. I am starving but I won’t eat until you let me know it is ok.

Is it a reason or an excuse?

Another excuse?

Entry 28.

I am so tired of pretending I am ok. 

I’m not ok. My feelings don’t fit under the headings or into the boxes they offer. I want to yell and scream and break things. I want you to hate me, to let me go. “Go away” don’t you know those words are a cry for help. 

I need a reason to live.

Entry 29.

And do I want to get “better”? I suppose that is question of perception now.

What is “better”?…

I was always so ashamed of how I was and dreaming of a better life. A “better” life you told me I would have if I would just get “better”.

Entry 32.

I feel good today, mentally. 

Physically I am in pain, but mentally I am good. 

My stomach still hurts but I ate a little. I didn’t fit in with the girly chit-chat, but I didn’t hate myself for it. I didn’t wish I could relate. I didn’t mind. I think this is a part of being an individual. Sometimes you fit in and other times you don’t, it is not to be taken as you are a failure.

It is confronting to think that I am eating for myself. I don’t want to. I want someone else to tell me I am worth it.

2014

Entry 33.

It wasn’t that I hated myself. I just didn’t have a care, a thought for myself.

Entry 41.

And I haven’t felt that beauty again since you told me. 

I’ve felt something else. Passion? Fight? Determination? But not that calm love and contentment I had. I’m not sure I even want it back. I like this woman of the night who is brave and outspoken and demanding, forward and sexy.

Entry 42.

I feel thin again.

And down.

Dark circles and angels everywhere. I don’t have the enthusiasm for food. Just eat what is put in front of me. 

Everything tastes the same. Like heavy cardboard.

Entry 46.

It feels so good to have this body that choses to feel, that chooses life, that chooses fun without a second thought. It is so strange that you aren’t a part of that.

 It still feels unreal like at any moment our lives will be together again.

Entry 47.

Where will I go from here?

Entry 48.

It’s not that you hate yourself, it’s just that you don’t much care either way. 

There is no fight if there is no sense of something to fight for. I only ever cared for others, there was nothing in anything for me. 

My only happiness was to see and make others happy.

You can’t hate something you don’t know.

I had no concept, no understanding that I indeed had true needs, desires, wants.

It’s amazing to be in life. There is so much beauty and of course there are things I need. I am a human being!

Entry 60.

I want to run again.

But that’s too easy. I’m too fast and there is no effort, no challenge, no pain in it.

The thinner I am the harder it is, the harder everything is. And that feels like a good thing…

Entry 67.

How long does it take for the ceiling to give you an answer? 

Will it eventually, the longer I stare at it?

Entry 72.

Now it’s so difficult to eat.

I don’t want food. 

There is no food I want to eat. I am afraid of having food in my belly. What now? If I won’t ask for help, if no one will save me, what then will I do? Die?

Entry 73.

This painfully fully belly, will it ever end?

So sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Entry 92.

Yesterday was good, was great. To be out alone was scary. I wanted to run many times.

Entry 97.

And all my fight is gone.

Entry 99.

I love the way my body feels. So soft!

I love the way my body looks nude in the half light. I am perfect, and I understand now why they say my body is beautiful.