When I was sick with anorexia nervosa there seemed to be nothing people could say that was right.
Even compliments or things said with the best of intentions were twisted within my mind to be negative, accusatory or mean in some way.
It was exhausting for me and I’m sure it wasn’t fun for them either.
In this blog I want to share with you 3 of the things people said to me when I was sick which had a hugely detrimental impact and which I’d love to encourage you to think twice about saying to someone you love who’s living with an eating disorder.
I’ll also offer you some alternative things you might like to try saying instead, and which may come across a little kinder and may possibly be a little more productive because while I fully appreciate it’s tricky to know what to say, when to say it and how to say it and while I don’t encourage mollycoddling in the slightest, I do remember just how fragile I was.
I do remember just how easily influenced I was.
I do remember just how much something as simple as the words someone used could make or break me. Therefore, while I know it’s not your role to protect them from the world, nor to recover for them you can alter the things you say slightly and by doing so you truly may help more than you know. In any case the value of any kindness shown to someone in such a vulnerable position (even if they don’t appear vulnerable, I promise you they are!) cannot be underestimated.
- “That’s Good”
When I was in recovery, I’d very rarely work up the courage to admit I was hungry.
Food and hunger were largely taboo topics that felt ridiculously scary and uncomfortable to talk about so for the most part I just didn’t.
There were a few times where I remember saying to my mum that I was hungry, and she had a habit of replying with “that’s good.”
She meant it with all the love in the world and I think most of all she was relieved I was hungry because surely that would mean I would eat. However, the way my mind interpreted it was far from that. The way my mind interpreted it was that it was a good thing I was hungry aka it was good to be hungry aka I was good for being hungry.
And given that my whole eating disorder revolved around this pervasive, obsessive pursuit of being “good” it is not hard to connect the dots that while I consciously knew she didn’t think I was a good person for being hungry my unconscious mind sure took it that way (and ran with it).
Insight that may help if you have a loved one in recovery from an eating disorder:
I actually most often said “I was hungry” because I was annoyed at myself for being hungry.
I was annoyed that I was hungry.
It seemed like a weakness, a sign of my failings and it seemed terrifying to consider that I may be hungry and need to eat for the rest of my life. That was cause for overwhelm and meltdown.
What was even more frustrating and shameful was my inability to just (f*cking) eat.
When I could recognise, I was hungry, which wasn’t that often because I was so out of connection with my body and I guess if your body has communicated to you so many times that you’re hungry just to be ignored it seems to give up that communication.
Most of all I said it because tentatively I wanted her help to eat and that brought on the most shame of all.
If you are helping a loved one through recovery and they mention that they’re hungry, please don’t tell them that’s a good thing (even if you think it is a good thing because maybe for years, they’ve been saying they’re not hungry and you’re over the moon to finally hear them say they’re hungry).
Instead offer them something to eat because that’s what we do as human beings when we’re hungry and we have access to food, we eat.
There need be no moral value or judgement of good or bad attached to that because there is none (if you think there is then diet culture has done its work on you and I would super encourage you to learn about changing that for yourself).
2. “You’re Looking Healthy”
All variations of this phrase including “you’ve gained weight”, “you’re looking well” and “you look beautiful” had the ability to utterly derail me within milliseconds.
Even when I despised that it affected me so much, even when I wished with all my heart that it wasn’t so, it was so.
Insight that may help if you have a loved one in recovery from an eating disorder:
To have that awareness and attention placed on my body from strangers, from people I was close to and everything in between was for some reason the most horrific experience.
I’ve heard a few theories as to why this might be so because it seems to be an almost universal experience amongst those in recovery from eating disorders and definitely not unique to me.
One theory I quite like that explains the consuming emotions behind hearing a benign or even flattering sentence like “you look good” and makes your response less personal is that this could be a carry over from our evolutionary pasts when we had to deal with famine and if it was noticed that you’d gained weight or were looking healthier than before or than others than perhaps you were hiding food or had a source of food you weren’t sharing.
This would clearly have meant certain outcast from the tribe for hiding such valuable, lifesaving information.
From that perspective it makes sense to have such a response to being told you look healthy because even given the exceptional struggle that it was to accept a compliment when I was sick the experience of someone saying “you’re looking healthier” in a positive way was painful to a degree that goes beyond mere modesty.
So, where am I today with comments about my body?
To be honest they’re not on my radar.
Which means it’s hard for me to remember them or bring any to mind… I can tell you that they certainly don’t insult me. It wouldn’t enter my mind to be offended or annoyed if someone were to say I looked healthy, beautiful, fit and so on. I simply say thank you and move on with my day, with my life.
In fact, the size of my boobs is a running topic of conversation with my friends and partner, and I sometimes now wear low cut tops and bras which would never have fit me even a year ago in order to purposefully draw attention to my once non-existent cleavage. I even bring it up in conversation just for the enjoyment of it. It’s fun. It’s playful. It’s nice. We all have a laugh and then move on with whatever we’re doing.
My body is my body and not something I designed or have all that much control over. It tells me what it wants, I give it what it wants and then it does its thing. My role is only to listen and respond, not question and micromanage things it has much more wisdom and information about then me!
3. “Just Eat”
Ouch.
If you’ve lived with anorexia nervosa you’ve likely heard this one.
More than once.
I have to admit “just eat” was another one of those phrases which tore me up inside when I heard it in the past which now doesn’t impact my life in the slightest if someone were to say it.
I remember a camping trip with friends for my 18th birthday and one of my friends friends remarking that I was so skinny and should just eat a burger.
I remember the sadness, the embarrassment, the injustice I felt.
I remember just how much those words stung me to my core but I have no connection to that pain now.
I feel sorry for the girl who heard them and felt so much and I feel sorry for the ignorant boy who spoke them but that is all.
It has no significant meaning.
He wasn’t wrong.
I wasn’t wrong.
It just was.
Please know that if you’re visibly underweight people will tell you to eat. They will often tell you to “just eat” as though it is the simplest thing in the world, as though you hadn’t thought of that yourself or been told that by every person in your life and all I can say is begin to let it go because you know what? When you are recovered you won’t give a damn.
When you are recovered for someone to say “just eat” or the memory of this or that person in your past saying that to you won’t have any impact on you.
When you are recovered “just eat” actually is the easiest thing in the world and you don’t have to feel any annoyance, frustration or injustice towards someone who could possibly say that because you will feel and know that “just eat” is nothing more than “just eat.”
So, why bother wasting your time and energy giving a damn now about something that isn’t going to mean anything in the life you want to live?…
Take Home Tips
Be kind.
If in doubt be kind.
Do your best to be kind.
Be honest but be kind because that is more than possible. Know that you may not always get it right. That is not the goal. I’m not sure it’s possible to always get it right… but it is possible to be kind.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
