I remember the fear as I sat in the waiting room of the doctors surgery. My hand shook as I signed the new patient forms and went about mentally assembling the strong facade I knew so well.
The doctor called me into his office and before the door had even closed behind him, I told him about the eating disorder.
I felt his eyes on my body and cringed. I felt the compulsion to say something along the lines of “I know I look ok now but I’m usually much skinner”.
I was acutely aware that the times I needed the most help and was ready and asking for that help were the times I looked my “best” and was, because of this, denied that help.
I felt the need to justify the muscle and fat on my body even though I was “anorectic”.
I held myself back. I knew there was no point. Years of attempted recoveries after attempted recoveries from anorexia had eroded my belief in peoples, including health professionals, ability to see me beyond a weight.
Still, I was lost and I knew it so I looked at him and said coolly, calmly and collectedly that I needed help (while my heart raced inside my chest and I felt on the verge of tears).
I said I didn’t know how to make my life any other way than this.
I knew I was headed for a relapse. I didn’t say this, but I was there to see if there was some way that could be prevented.
Something he could do to prevent it.
I felt hopeless and helpless to stop what I knew was coming.
And everyone said treatment was the answer.
He listened to me.
All the while his surprise that I was there “willingly” and asking for help was evident.
I suspect his medical training on eating disorder patients to date had been the same as every other doctor I’d seen, authoritarian and threats based. You were supposed to force treatment upon anorexic patients.
They definitely weren’t supposed to ask for help.
I could see him struggling to put me in a box.
Struggling with how to classify me and respond.
He ran some tests such as bloods, pulse, temperature, and weight.
I’d asked for help and the best he could give me in that moment was that I voluntarily go to the emergency of the nearest hospital, or he would have to put me under the mental health act.
In other words, he didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t know what to do.
I went back to that little office many times in the months to come.
He ran the same tests to medically monitor me.
We both waited for that moment where things were bad enough physically and he’d know what to do, admit me.
Eventually, I stopped going.
I didn’t want to make it uncomfortable for him the more my health deteriorated.
The Reality of Eating Disorder Treatment
I am yet to work with a client who hasn’t already been through all the biomedical model of healthcare has to offer them in terms of treatment for their eating disorder.
Most of them multiple times and I suspect, I work with some of the most tenacious and hopeful people in the world with the amount of time and energy they’ve invested into re-trying the very same thing that broke them the last 5 times they went down that path.
Telling themselves and being told they just need to try harder.
That they are the problem.
Why do people keep trying the same route in eating disorder recovery even when it hasn’t helped or has even harmed them in the past? For the most part it is because this is the option they are given. And when you’re overwhelmed with life, starved, stressed and desperate you’ll take what is offered. Besides to be presented with only one option, is not actually an option.
I thought there was only one option.
Most people I work with think there is only one option.
Having been through the system myself as a patient I know this was true in my case and having now worked with thousands of people in recovery from eating disorders I know not enough has yet changed for me to have the full faith in our medical system I have for my diabetic and Parkinson’s patients and which I’d love to have for my eating disorder patients.
Eating disorder patients are shuffled through the hospital system until they are medically stable and sometimes, they get a stay in a mental health facility mostly due to us not knowing what to do with them next versus this necessarily being a place they can access appropriate treatment and recover.
Most of those unlucky enough to develop an eating disorder keep up this cycle for years interspersed with brief stints in the community where it often feels the best we are hoping for is medical “monitoring” waiting and fearful of those inevitable moments where we are “sick enough” for the next admission.
Ever hopeful that this time, this time will somehow be different but all the while losing faith and losing trust.
Now What?…
On the other side of recovery and working in the field of healthcare I know that the dominant model of treatment for people with eating disorders has its merits. It’s all about keeping someone alive. Fantastic. And yet, the reality is it fails many, if not most people in supporting them to reach full recovery.
We need to recognise that even the best model won’t work for everyone.
We need to recognise that people get better through multiple means.
Which is why I am truly passionate that those who are seeking treatment to recover from an eating disorder be offered a number of choices.
Because despite what you may have been led to believe people recover from eating disorders every day in all sorts of ways.
It’s not only possible but there are also MANY options for eating disorder recovery.
In recovery there are no guarantees, but we know for certain that there is no recovery without the person gaining autonomy and increasing their power and choice over their own recovery is a fundamental part of this.
Which means giving them options and the information they need to make an informed decision.
Please know that if you are in recovery from an eating disorder you have options and choices. Firstly, to be in recovery or not is a choice and secondly, you have choice over who is a part of that journey and what services you access.
You can see a doctor, dietitian, psychologist, psychiatrist, family therapist, clinical hypnotherapist, EMDR practitioner, NLP practitioner, kinesiologist, physiotherapist, equine therapist, councillor and many more.
Go into recovery as informed as you can.
Work with those who are open, honest and genuine with you about what it truly takes to recovery.
Work with those who put the power back in your hands.
Work with those who inspire you.
Yes, recovery is painful (beyond measure) and no one who has gone through it has ever said otherwise but there are moments of gold in there.
Embrace those moments.
Use those moments.
Learn about yourself.
Learn about the world.
Afterall it’s just setting rest of your life you’re setting up.
And most of all open your heart to new experiences and new possibilities especially when it comes to treatment for the eating disorder because you might just find your healing in a place you never imagined, like myself a biomedical scientist who found healing in something I didn’t believe in (clinical hypnotherapy) and something I’d never heard of (neurolinguistic programming).
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
