Life after anorexia is not something I imagined I would get to experience.
It is certainly not something I ever imagined I’d write about.
I never imagined that I would be sharing candid and honest snippets of insight into what was once my biggest secret.
What was once my biggest source of shame and self-loathing.
I imagined that if I was ever to recover from anorexia, I would never mention it again.
I imagined if I ever recovered from anorexia, I’d never share with anyone that it was ever a part (or what most of the time felt like the entirety) of my life.
But the truth is, having gone through all I went through there are things that are impossible to unknow.
I no longer feel even an ounce of shame at having lived with anorexia nervosa.
What I do feel is immensely sorry for my past self who was ever made to believe this was something to feel shame about.
I crave a day where the stigma that surrounds mental illnesses, including eating disorders, is no longer a barrier or challenge to people seeking or receiving useful treatment.
Because that’s more than possible.
Which is why I choose to continue to share parts of my story.
Which is why I continue to share honest insight from my life with anorexia nervosa, recovering from anorexia nervosa and my life now fully recovered from anorexia nervosa in the hope this brings you not just hope but also proof that it’s possible to fully recover where it can otherwise feel hopeless.
And perhaps most importantly the goal of my sharing my story is to offer practical tools and examples of ways you may be able to increase your chances of recovering from and living a life healed and free from the eating disorder, no matter how long you’ve lived with it.
Because maybe if I’d had this, my story would have been different.
Because your story can be different.
- Eating Was Complex, now it’s Simple.
When I lived with anorexia nervosa eating was such a big deal. Everything was thought through, planned and accounted for.
I remember when I started to put food as my lowest priority and something I could only get around to doing after everything else was done. I remember when I stopped coming home from school and snacking in the afternoon and instead doing everything else first until it was dinner time and then putting off dinner time as long as I could. Only when there was nothing left to do I would allow myself to eat.
By the time it got around to eating I was beyond starving. To a point of starved confusion, I’ve never felt in my life since those days. I no longer wanted to eat. I no longer knew what to eat or how much to eat or even why I would bother eating. What was the point?
My mind would go crazy. It was an endless internal battle to eat. It was anything but simple. It was anything but those two words I heard said to me by others and by myself “just eat”.
Eating now, is simple.
Eating now, is just eat.
I enjoy food but it’s a really, really, really small part of my life.
2. There Was One Reason to Eat, Now There’s Many!
When I was sick there was one reason I ate, and it was because I “had to”.
I was constantly and endlessly trying to gain weight.
I was constantly and endlessly trying to eat to please someone.
I was constantly and endlessly trying to eat to fit in
I was constantly and endlessly trying to eat to stay alive.
Eating was an internal battle.
And I never imagined it could be anything more than a necessity, an obligation.
Today I eat because I’m hungry.
I eat when I’m not hungry but it looks delicious, new or something I really like.
I eat because I may not get a chance to eat for a little while.
I eat because it tastes good.
I eat because I am with friends.
I eat because I go on dates and enjoy trying new restaurants and cafes.
Today I eat for all sorts of reasons and “have to” has been replaced with “want to” because yes, as a human being I have to eat if my goal is to stay alive (which it is for quite a bit longer yet) but it no longer feels like a hard have to it feels like a “delighted to”.
3. Eating and Food Meant So Many Things, Now It’s Just Food
When I lived with anorexia nervosa food and everything to do with food meant so much more than just food.
I remember knowing we would be run out of milk at breakfast and there wouldn’t be enough for me to have the amount I always had. I remember the fear, the anger, the frustration, the sadness that I knew no one was going to realise or buy milk before breakfast. I thought it meant they didn’t love me. It meant they didn’t love me. If I was important to them, why wouldn’t they check the milk and make sure there was enough? It was all proof I was unlovable, I was unworthy, I was horrible, I was disgusting.
Now, well I’ve run out of milk plenty of times at breakfast without realising the night before that I was going to run out. I never sit and hope that someone will notice the milk is low and make sure they buy more to reassure (briefly) some fearful part of my mind that they love me.
The two aren’t correlated. They never were. My mind correlated them because that’s what a mind that lives with an eating disorder does but they were never correlated in reality.
Summary
How many of these examples of life with anorexia nervosa vs life after anorexia nervosa can you relate to?
After reading this I hope one of your takeaways is the understanding that when you live with an eating disorder food and eating is so much more than food and eating.
Which is why the phrase “just eat” has never helped anyone living with an eating disorder recover.
We all know it’s “just food” we all know it’s “just eating” but when you have an eating disorder it doesn’t matter what you know it matters what you feel.
If you’re curious to make your recovery a reality and experience for yourself what it’s like to have your own contrast examples of your life with and after an eating disorder feel welcome to get in contact with me.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
2 thoughts on “What Is Eating Like Now? 3 Ways Eating Is Different in My Life After Vs With Anorexia”
Well done
Do you ABSOLUTLEY bekive true and fill recovery is possible
Like it’s totally washed off
Like snippets are not still there occasionally
I find it hard to believe absolute full recovery is possible
It’s like grief. Things sometimes hit you and it’s always there to heal
With love anna
Hi Ana,
I 100% understand this and felt the same myself before I recovered. That it wasn’t possible for it to ever be gone totally. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that it is all gone, no snippets, no occassionally. Full recovery is real.
That doesn’t mean I can’t remember that I used to feel different. I know I did, that it wasn’t a dream and was a big part of my life for a long time but I simply couldn’t recreate those feelings even if I tried.
Sending you loads of love.