For the most part these days recovery, recovered anything to do with all that isn’t on my mind.
For the most part I’m not thinking about how I used to live with anorexia nervosa.
I’m just living.
Yet, there are moments every now and them where the contrast between the two lives I’ve lived hits me.
Usually no longer in massive ways. Instead more often in interesting, quiet moments of insight and understanding which leave me filled with a sense of internal gratitude and peace over what was, what is and what is yet to come.
It’s sad.
It’s beautiful.
But most of all it just is.
Below I’m going to share with you 3 seemingly insignificant but actually extraordinarily profound experiences I’ve had within the space of the past two weeks to highlight the differences between the life I lived with anorexia nervosa and the life I now live.
To highlight that it’s not just about the food.
I am sharing these with you because I want you to know that if you’re struggling to do recovery, feeling as through you’re getting nowhere fast, contemplating throwing in the towel altogether, not sure what recovered life will look and feel like or have lived with the eating disorder for so long you are wondering what it is you’re even fighting for, this is it.
These are the small moments in your future that your choices and actions in the here and now will determine if you do or don’t get to experience.
So, you can see there’s actually nothing small about it.
That’s big.
1st Moment of Recovered Insight: Food Shopping with My Mum and Sisters
Today I went grocery shopping with my mum and two sisters.
This is a situation I don’t remember being in since I was a child or early teenager when I distinctly remember how much inner turmoil the experience would cause me.
I wanted everyone to buy things for themselves to eat.
I wanted to buy nothing for me to eat and hope no one would notice.
I didn’t want too much food in the house (food wastage used to destroy me).
I didn’t want too little food in the house because my fear that my sisters couldn’t eat whatever they wanted to whenever they wanted to was ugh, excruciating to say the least.
Today was fun. Ok, if not fun at least not stressful in the slightest (besides from the fact that I was periodically aware that I’d not written a blog for today).
In a nutshell what this change in experience means to me is that I now care about me.
That persistent uncomfortable feeling that I could only feel ok through knowing others were eating and were ok is gone.
In its place is now a level of acceptance and calm-self assurance up until a few years ago I’d never have dreamed was possible for me.
2nd Moment of Recovered Insight: Friends Had a Fight
At a recent party two of my friends had an argument.
There was tears, anger, love, care and pain.
They both hurt.
I sat with them both.
I hugged them both.
I cared so much.
I left.
I left before it was completely resolved.
I trusted in their ability to come to whatever resolution they needed to and that was a beautifully liberating experience for me.
Once upon a time I’d have had no boundary, no filter, no differentiation between their pain and me.
Once upon a time I’d have felt their pain as though it were truly mine.
Once upon a time I’d have been consumed by their pain.
In a nutshell what my ability to calmly function during their hurt and not feel the need to make it ok then and there means to me is that I am now able to have boundaries and emotionally regulate.
These are perhaps the two greatest skills I have ever learned and ever experienced in this life to date.
The ability to not be overcome and destroyed by emotions, especially other people’s emotions is a perk of recovered that I cannot imagine not being grateful for. The contrast in experience from my old life living with anorexia nervosa is utterly phenomenal.
3rd Moment of Recovered Insight: Work BBQ
When I used to go out to eat with friends, work colleges, family, anyone all I ever thought about was that I’d HAVE to eat because people would be expecting me to eat.
I didn’t want to let them down.
I didn’t want to draw attention to myself.
I didn’t want to stand out.
Most of all I didn’t want to eat.
It was a big effort to go and to eat and there was no enjoyment in the eating.
Now, I go, and I eat not because other people want me to or expect me to but because I want to.
There now is enjoyment in the eating. A feeling I never thought I’d come to experience even when I was giving recovery a go.
This hit me at a recent after work BBQ when I found myself interested to find out what was being served versus worrying that I’d have to eat because it was expected of me.
In a nutshell this means I now eat for me versus eat for others.
Honestly, even though this has been the norm for me for quite a long time now it is still refreshing to have moments where I notice it.
Still a small, calm source of inner joy and awe.
Summary
If you are in recovery and finding it difficult, feeling like quitting (although I don’t think it’s possible to fully quit because there’s always a part of you that will not give up the fight for your freedom) or wondering what could possibly make it worth it I hope these 3 things I wish my past self could have known were possible for her to experience in her future if she stayed the path of recovery inspire you.
Because for the most part recovered life is not fireworks, cheering and ecstasy that you can eat.
There are no medals, parties or prizes for overcoming an eating disorder.
For the most part recovered is calmness, ease, and simplicity.
But most of all recovered is a chance.
A chance to fail again and again and again.
A chance to succeed again and again and again.
A chance to live.
A chance to be you.
It is my hope and wish that you one day get to experience your own unique epiphany moments that fill you will calm gratitude and remind you that you’ve made it and just how special that is.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
