I want to talk about something that’s come up for me multiple times recently, both in my personal life and professional life (and if I think about it something that’s really been a theme of a big chunck of if not my entire life). Something which has really done a spectacular job of hitting a nerve I didn’t know I had.
There are not many things which have the ability to get me too annoyed, but this is undeniably one and I am finding that every time it pops up a pang of injustice and annoyance stirs within me.
Have you guessed what it is?
It is the use of the term “strong.”
You probably didn’t see that coming or perhaps you did? You may even be thinking “hold on but isn’t strong a wonderful thing to be?”… Something we should be encouraging, commending, and rewarding? Certainly something we should be striving to be?
Well, we are (encouraging, commending and rewarding and certainly striving to be that is) and that is exactly why today I want to ruffle some feathers and say stop.
Stop because we are, but we shouldn’t be.
At least we shouldn’t be in the way I’ve heard the word strong used multiple times lately and perhaps the way I’ve heard it used my whole life.
I’ve heard strong used as a prasing of ones ability to quietly, head down just get on with it.
I’ve heard strong used as a misguided esteeming above all else this ability to endure, put on a brave face and push onwards silently.
Is your experience of how you’ve heard this word used or how you even pecieve it yourself similar? Would you also say this is what you’ve been led to believe it means to be strong?
To me this is actually the antithesis of strong.
Why?
Why is that definition of strong messed up to me?
Because there is no honesty in that definition of strong.
Because there is no empowerment in that definition of strong.
I have no respect for praising that definition of strong.
I have no respect for valuing that definition of strong.
I have no respect for encouraging that definition of strong.
I have no respect for perpetuating that definition of strong.
I have no respect for that definition of strong.
Pushing through, enduring, putting on a brave face and just getting on with it are far from what I’ve come to realise and appreciate as true strength.
Your silence is not a sign of strength.
The only person or people your silence serves to protect and serve are those that hurt you.
The only thing your enduring does is teach others that that this is an ok way to treat you and ultimately to treat others.
With my whole heart I am sorry if you’ve ever been made to feel you should put on a brave face when you didn’t feel strong or brave inside.
With my whole heart I’m sorry if you’ve ever been made to feel you weren’t brave, courageous or strong if you couldn’t push on.
The problem was never your inability to feel strong (even if outwardly you were being exactly that) the problem was you never should have had to feel strong.
There are some experiences in life which are just so unfair and unspeakable that we should not have to feel strong or be strong.
I hope that if you have ever been told to be strong or even praised for being strong and for carrying on despite it all that I can help you recreate a new definition of what strong means to you through sharing a little of what it means to me.
It is honestly a dream of mine that the harmful definition of strong can stop with you. With us.
So, What Is Real Strength, and More Importantly Does It Matter?
To me strong means being vulnerable, being honest and being open.
And yes, it matters.
It matters because the implied meaning behind strong as we most often use it is disempowering at best and soul and life destroying at worst.
It honestly is spirit crushing to disregard your reality and ignore your truth in the mistaken belief that you must be strong and present as “ok” at all times.
I am certain this version of outwardly “strong” and inwardly injured or broken has harmed far more lives than it has helped.
Take It from Someone Who Knows (Most Likely Yourself)
I work with people daily who have been through things no human being should ever have to go through.
The stories that reverberate within the four walls of my innocuous office are gut wrenchingly unspeakable.
I am not here to claim I have had the worst experience of life, but I’ve certainly had my fair share of pain and roughness just as have the people who are close to me and who I know deeper things about the lives they’ve lived.
Just as I’m sure you’ve had your own.
We all have.
So, I want to ask you a question. For all the scary and possibly horrible and terrifying things you’ve experienced, did your healing, self-forgiveness, freedom and peace come when you were pushing through and ignoring, avoiding or suppressing your pain or when you gave yourself space and compassion in the aftermath to just be before you tried to change anything?
And if you don’t feel you’ve yet healed or if you’re questioning if it’s truly possible to heal, please take a moment to ask yourself and answer honestly which one of these experiences are you currently playing out?…
You Can Heal
You can be free to be fully you again and feel comfortable in your own skin no matter how deeply and pervasively you’ve been harmed.
You have that potential within you.
We all do.
But and this is a big but, it is not the norm.
It is not necessary.
It is not a given that you will heal fully and completely.
Potential doesn’t translate into reality by default.
To fully heal you’ll have to find the right help.
To fully heal you’ll have to create a path that’s right for you.
To fully heal you’ll have to do things you never imagined possible and you’ll have to do things you don’t even yet know or understand.
If you are employing any form of being “strong” that involves lying to yourself this is only going to delay or entirely prevent your healing.
Please stop.
Stop despite it being what your loved ones tell you or reward you for (with the best of intentions).
Stop despite it being what society imposes on you and holds up as a gold standard of how you should be (perhaps even with the best of intentions).
Stop.
You deserve life.
You deserve your life.
I don’t want to hear any more people telling us we must be strong or praising us for being strong in situations where quite frankly we shouldn’t be (not the push through version of strong anyway).
What Can You Do?
So, what can we do? When someone shares their pain, their shame, their fears with you please don’t praise them for being “so strong. Don’t even encourage them to be strong.
If this feels strange and counterintuitive great. All the more reason to do it.
Consider instead letting them know that with what they’ve been through/are going through it’s actually ok to hurt.
Let them know it’s ok to be sad.
Let them know it’s ok to be mad.
Let them know it’s ok to be afraid.
Let them know it’s ok to have emotions.
Let them know it’s ok to not be strong.
Let them know it’s ok to be human.
For all those things you’ve gone through, for all those things you still replay over and over in your mind and tell yourself you should be “over” or “stronger than this” stop.
Give yourself a real chance at getting free from them and moving on with life in a meaningful and real way that feels energising and compelling for you and I appreciate this is easier said than done which is why if you don’t know how to do it please consider getting help.
There are people who can help you to learn to do this. Find them.
Because the life you miss in the meantime is too big a price to pay for someone else’s mistreatment of you.
I know it may seem unbelievable that anyone or anything could help especially if you’ve tried multiple things and I hear you because I’ve been there.
There are things in my past I never thought I’d live an hour let alone a day, let alone months and years without thinking about that no longer enter my mind unless I consciously choose to think about them and if I do then I am at peace with them. I am no longer controlled by the emotions that once utterly consumed me.
I am grateful beyond measure towards the clinical hypnotherapist who helped me with the first steps on my path to developing this capability which back then seemed impossible.
I am even more grateful towards my past self for doing it when it seemed impossible. I don’t know how she did that.
You may not yet feel it’s possible and there are no words I can use which will convince you it’s possible and my role is not to convice you but simply to let you know there are other options, alternatives, ways of being.
All I can say is consider doing those things you don’t think will work.
Look outside the box of things you’ve tried.
Give new things a try.
And most of all judge their usefulness after and not before.
Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it for life.
Once you’ve got it you can go on to be the person who teaches others how to do it simply through no more than your being the example. Through your living it.
That’s incredible.
That’s beautiful.
That’s inspiring.
That’s strong.
Final Thoughts
Please, please, please consider letting go of any misguided sense of “strong” you may have developed by default like me that involves downplaying or blatantly disregarding your authentic self and quieting or silencing your voice. Because through playing out this notion of strong” not only are you harming yourself, but without knowing it and without intending to you are serving to promote and perpetuate a suffocating half-life experience for not only yourself but for others also.
Most of all I want to encourage you to choose your definition of strong. One that feels true, authentic and genuine to you. One that you would feel happy for your most loved and cherished person on this planet to adopt.
The word strong by this new updated definition is beautiful and is certainly something I can respect.
Would you join me in redefining and reclaiming strong?
When?
What ways be they big or small can you actively bring real strength into your life and the lives of others today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life?
Because action is where your power lies.
With my whole heart I hope you find the freedom and love you desire and are worthy of.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
