I remember the first time a psychologist asked me if I had “food rules”.
I was maybe 14 or 15 years old.
I’d never before heard the phrase before.
I didn’t have food rules.
I certainly had ways of eating that were ok and ways of eating that were not ok, but I’d never thought of them as rules.
They were givens.
Universal truths.
What I know now is they weren’t givens.
They weren’t universal truths.
They were rules.
Which is why, in this blog I want to explain what food rules are as a means of helping you identify if you have any and what to do if you do.
To do this I’m going to describe 3 food rules people living with anorexia nervosa often experience, myself included. I will therefore also give you a few real-life examples from the years I lived with anorexia nervosa.
Food Rule #1. Choosing what you eat based on what else you eat that day
I remember meticulously planning what I would eat for the day.
I remember thinking I can’t have this thing or that thing because I had it earlier today (even though I kinda wanted that thing again).
I remember trying to make what I ate now fit in with what I would be eating later. If I ate pasta for lunch, I couldn’t also have pasta for dinner.
Getting to the end of the day was an immense relief because it meant I could stop planning and trying to control for things that were out of my control.
Question: When you are deciding what you are going to eat do you mentally calculate if it will fit in with what you’ve already eaten that day or what you may eat later that day?
“Fit in” can mean any number of things from fibre content to calories to simply just not repeating foods in the same day.
Whatever your reasons for feeling you must choose the food that fits in with what you’ve eaten or will eat that day vs the food you actually want to eat in that moment it’s not a thing you have to be doing.
Food Rule #2. Eating only at certain times
I remember lying in bed in the mornings beside my boyfriend hoping he’d wake up so we could eat breakfast at a certain time.
Or more precisely between two certain (and entirely arbitrary) times. I had a two-hour time slot within which it was acceptable to eat breakfast. If I missed that I would have to wait until the next meal.
I remember I had to eat dinner before a certain time at night and if it was past that time, I didn’t eat dinner.
I remember one after waiting almost in tears of panic and shame for my boyfriend to finish at the skate park so we could make it home in time that I could eat.
It feels absurd to write these but it’s true.
Anorexia nervosa taught my mind very well how “important” it was to eat at certain times and only at those times.
Question: Do you find yourself waiting for the clock to say a certain time before you allow yourself a meal or a snack? Do you stop eating after a certain time at night? Do you have certain foods you’re only allowed to eat at certain times and not others?
Do you “insert any other number of conditions around time and food here?”
Whatever arbitrary times you’ve decided are mealtimes and not mealtimes (from memory I got mine from books and magazines and I couldn’t even tell you why the books and magazines recommended those times…) it’s not a thing you have to be doing.
Food Rule #3. Eating only certain types of foods
I remember there were food that I couldn’t eat, to the point where I think my brain eventually didn’t even register them as foods.
I remember reading menus and not even considering any of it.
The rigidity of what I could and could not eat was solid.
If it was a no, it was a no.
I believed or tried to justify and make sense of my fear of certain foods as I just cared what was in food, that it was important to know what I was putting into my body.
I didn’t.
Not really. Not in a way that justified the intense fear I had of eating these things.
Like so much of living with an eating disorder at the end of the day I was just scared, and my mind was going about ways to make me feel less scared. Having a clear sense of yes you can eat that and no you can’t eat that gave a certainty I lacked in other areas of my life (there’s a hint as to what I and many others who develop eating disorders really needed/need to face…)
Question: Do you have foods that are off limits?
Do you have some foods that are ok to eat and some foods that are absolutely not ok to eat?
How would it feel if you were invited to a dinner date with only foods you felt were not ok to eat? Would you consider not going or actually not go because of the expectation to eat the food being provided?
Would you stress about it for days or weeks?
Whatever foods you’ve been taught are not ok to eat and not ok to eat it’s not a thing you have to be doing (unless they are rotten or mouldy).
Summary
I hope this short blog helps you to identify some of the things you may be doing with food or the ways you’re thinking about what you eat that perhaps you haven’t classified as rules but actually are…
And there’s plenty more arbitrary rules out there. These are a sample of 3 I frequently hear from my clients and 3 I certainly experienced when I lived with anorexia nervosa.
Whatever word you use, and it may not be “rules” it doesn’t matter what you call them if there are things you are doing with food or ways you are feeling towards food and eating that feel very hard if not impossible or very scary for you to change that’s worth getting help for.
No matter how much it may be giving you a pseudo sense of control in a world and a life that otherwise may feel out of control, no matter how much it may give you a pseudo sense of protection from making the wrong decision it’s not worth it.
The trade-off of what you lose living this way vs what you gain living this way is not worth it.
It is so worth not living your life that way.
Recovery does not give you full control or certainty, but it does give you real control where control is possible and it does give you greater resilience, flexibility and self-trust to live an imperfect human life.
An imperfect human life where it’s ok to not know, to not get it right and to just be.
Your one imperfect human life.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
