During the years I lived with anorexia nervosa the message that I was fed constantly both overtly and covertly was that the only problem with me was I was too skinny.
The message that all I had to do was eat more was loud and clear.
I have a horrible memory that still makes my skin crawl when I think about it of a doctor during one of my medical admissions wrapping his fingers around my upper arm to prove his point as he said something along the lines of “you’re a beautiful young woman Bonnie and the only thing I see wrong with you is you are too thin”.
I hate that this happened.
I hate that someone who was supposed to be treating me thought that was an ok thing to do, I hate that a past version of me had to endure that and I also hate that my experience is far from uncommon in the treatment of people living with eating disorders.
Having gone through the process of recovery I can share with you that the message that all you must do to recover is eat more and/or gain weight is simply not true.
As anyone who has gone through recovery will agree.
I can also share with you that if your body is underweight, if you haven’t been eating enough for your body, if you are living with an eating disorder there is no recovery without eating more and it is likely gaining weight will be a necessary part of your recovery.
I have shared about this many times but it’s something which is important to understand and something people are confused over so I doubt I’ll ever stop sharing about it.
The point that I want to make most clear is that the truth is if full recovery from anorexia nervosa is your goal you will need to eat more – regularly, adequately and consistently over time – AND you will also have to do the mental work – including overcoming any unconscious beliefs, building a sense of self and setting boundaries just to name a few.
Most often in the work I do including the blogs I write I am talking about “the mental work” including what that means and how to do it. Today I want to go down the path I have tended to focus on less, despite being a dietitian, the food and the weight because the unavoidable truth is the food, and the weight are important.
Ultimately you can’t have recovery with just part of this combination. Both are necessary.
So, lets take a look at why eating more and weight gain are necessary:
- Eating More
Eating more doesn’t just mean eating more, I actually mean something specific by “eating more”.
I mean first and foremost the ideal “eating more” is giving yourself unconditional permission to eat what your body is asking for and if you’re not yet capable of this (I haven’t yet met anyone who is at least not immediately and consistently) then seeing a dietitian who specialises in helping people recover from eating disorders.
Eating more means increasing your food intake beyond what makes you comfortable.
Eating more means doing this regularly, adequately and consistently for a period of time far longer than you believe you need to (and far beyond what most others will tell you is necessary).
Eating more means allowing your body the tools and time to heal. This one may be very obvious and something that is talked about often in eating disorder recovery however, eating more is more than the physical regaining of health it also crucially means allowing your mind the tools and time to renourish.
All of which makes it possible for your capabilities to expand and your resilience, and emotional regulation to improve.
All of which allow for your personality to return.
We know starved and malnourished brains struggle.
We know there are characteristic changes that occur in human beings when they are starved an malnourished irrespective of whether or not someone would be diagnosed with having an “eating disorder” including hyper fixation on food, significant increases in depression and increased rigidity and hysteria. Have a Google of “The Minnesota Starvation Experiment” if you’re interested in learning more about the effects of starvation and malnutrition on mental functioning.
Eating more won’t fix everything and for sure you’ll still have things to learn (we all do) but it will make the whole process of recovery (and doing life in general) less of an overwhelming mess and more of a series of things you can work out and work on and being ok with not knowing.
And that is what you can then look at as doing the “work”.
I promise you that when people say your mental health improves through renourishment it is true.
Even though it doesn’t feel true when you’re in the depth of the eating disorder or trying to eat more, it is true.
It just takes time and it takes doing the work alongside.
2. Gaining Weight
I know it might feel like gaining weight won’t achieve anything.
I know it might feel like you’ll gain weight and be worse of for it.
I know you want to be seen and heard for being a human being beyond the appearance of your body.
I know you want to be validated in the struggles that have brought you to this point.
I know because I’ve been there.
I’ve felt it.
All of it.
All of it that I don’t have adequate words for and all of it that even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to write it in a way that 100% resonated with the truth of your experience because we are different.
Our experiences are different.
And after having my own experience with anorexia nervosa and also having now worked with thousands of people in recovery from eating disorders I can confidently say there are enough similarities between people living with and wanting to recover from eating disorders that it’s worth sharing.
Most of the people I’ve worked with who are in recovery from an eating disorder share that it feels like weight gain will make things worse. Even when it’s something they know they have to do because their body is physically suffering there is a fear that just gaining weight without any change psychologically would be pointless and a horror they could not cope with.
I want you to know it’s not fully possible. That is, it’s not fully possible to gain weight without some increase in mental capacity.
Weight gain by definition will, not immediately, but with time and consistency calm your mind.
I know you might not believe that. I certainly know I didn’t believe it but having done the whole process now and witnessing thousands of other people go through the process I know it to be true.
Weight gain is not the be all and end all of recovery because there is always more work to be done however, gaining weight is a crucial component to being capable of doing that work.
At the very least consider giving yourself the chance before deciding that you’re different…
Summary
Recovery from an eating disorder is about more than improving your relationship with food and/or your body.
It’s about developing your authenticity.
This requires a lot of internal work, but it also equally requires eating more.
It requires eating more before you feel good about eating more.
It requires eating more before you’ve developed your authenticity.
I really do believe it comes in this order.
I once thought recovery required eating more purely for the purpose of healing physically.
What I experienced was that it also helped with being capable of doing the “mental work”.
It made the mental work possible.
The acknowledgement that a well-fed and nourished human being functions much better than a starved of malnourished one is not just my opinion, anecdotal experience or professional experience either. Testament to this is many mental health practitioners and eating disorder treatment facilities simply will not accept people below a certain body mass index BMI. We know well the ways starvation affects the human mind.
I am not saying, and I will never say that eating more and weight gain are the be all and end all of recovery. In fact, I am saying the opposite and I remember how frustrating it was to be told that by someone who wasn’t and had never lived with an eating disorder, someone who clearly had no clue and no place to say what they were saying. What I am saying is that it is always going to be a part of recovery.
Because it is a part of recovery.
You can fight that, you can try to do all the mental work of recovery without changing what you’re eating (or changing it a little but not as much as you know in your heart of hearts you need to) or without gaining weight (or only gaining weight in a very controlled manner that allows you to still feel safe) but you are going to be doing just that, fighting.
You can put it off, avoid it or ignore it but the truth is it remains.
Eating more and gaining weight are part of a full recovery.
A starved, malnourished, or chronically underfed mind is simply incapable, and I really do mean incapable not just compromised, of doing the full work of recovery and certainly incapable of living an authentic life.
Which is what recovery is all about, not just surviving and healing physically but the chance to live an authentic life.
If you’re doubting, delaying, avoiding or putting off eating more or weight gain in any way because you’re afraid the pain of doing it won’t be worth it would you consider doing it even if you don’t believe in it?
Would you consider suspending your judgement of whether or not it is worth it and allowing the future version of you who’s made it through to make that judgement?…
With all my heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
