Recovery is petrifying.
Recovery is confusing.
Recovery is overwhelming.
One moment you’re all in and the next you’re all out.
Plus, everything in between.
And that’s before you’ve even made it out of bed in the morning…
Recovery is an absurd and almost ludicrous (if it wasn’t in the same breath life threateningly serious) mix of every emotion you can imagine and definitely some you can’t imagine until you’re right in there feeling them.
Recovery takes every inch of everything you have (plus some things you don’t yet know you have).
Because of the all consuming nature of recovery it can easily become the entire focus and backbone of your waking life. To the point where it’s easy to lose sight of the whole purpose of all the fighting and pain, which is recovered aka life on “the other side of sick”.
I now live my life to the point where when I think back on the years I lived with anorexia nervosa it’s as though I am looking at someone else’s life. I know I lived it, I know the things I felt and did but remembering them feels like remembering a hazy dream.
The further I move away from the eating disorder the less interesting all I went through becomes to me. Especially in comparison to the life I now live.
I find myself less concerned with spending time helping others to understand the nitty gritty of “what happens during an eating disorder” or even in trying to convince you in any way that you should recover because neither of these are where your healing lies.
Your healing lies in doing recovery.
Your life lies in recovered.
There is nothing I can say that will reassure you it’s ok to recover because I know intellectually you know that already. I know and you know it takes more than intellectually understanding why and even what to do to recover in order to recover. There’s no secrets here.
What I can offer you is far more valuable than some bland reassurances that it will all be ok (when quite honestly maybe it won’t be).
What I can offer you is a little snippet of insight into life on the other side of sick. A brief look at a fabled land I, for the longest time, did not fully believe existed.
In this blog I’m about to share 3 little things which have gained my attention in my recovered life recently.
None of which are earth shattering.
None of which are particularly profound.
They are simply some of my small truths and findings since recovered.
Small truths and findings which along with millions of other small experiences that words could never fully capture add up to living an entirely different life.
A life worth living.
First Small Change: Re-experiencing Hunger and Fullness
This one I honestly feel like I just got the hang of.
When I was in recovery the way I’d judge if I’d eaten “enough” would be that I had to be so full that I couldn’t physically fit anything more in my stomach.
If there was even the slightest question that I could fit more, I would.
This was painful.
I’d judge my fullness by the level of expansion of my belly and if my belly was flat or flattish I’d freak out.
To me it meant I hadn’t done “good enough”.
Now, I can finally listen to and trust the signals my body is giving me.
I can tell when I am a little hungry, a lot hungry, getting full, what I would like to eat or not like to eat and every nuance in-between. All naturally, intuitively and without any conscious effort or energy at all.
I don’t know how exactly my body does this, how any human body does this and I’m no longer too interested in knowing.
I don’t need to know because my body knows.
It knows because it has access to phenomenal amounts of information my conscious mind does not have access to.
As a human body gauging how much to eat is what it was designed for.
So natural does this way of doing things now feel that I truly do forget it was ever any other way.
Second Small Change: My Period Affects My Mood
Aaaahhhhhh this one took me probably 2 years of a regular period to realise the connection.
While I was sick it was a rare occurrence that I got a period (and if I did I wouldn’t have paid a lot of attention given that my mind-body connection was so dysfunctional) but I can now confirm it’s real, once a month it feels like the world is coming to an end.
Progressively as the days draw closer to my moontime (in the words of my first hippy boyfriend which I’ve loved ever since) things affect me in ways they simply wouldn’t at other times.
What’s cool about it is that I realise what’s happening and I am ok with that. I am to the point now where it’s actually amusing.
I fully embrace and accept that this is the way it is for me and with a smile and chuckle I enjoy the ride of this life I signed up for.
I don’t know if everyone experiences this but it’s definitely something to be mindful of because if you have cycles where it periodically feels like the end of the world and you question whether people do indeed love you it may just be that you’re a little (ok a lot) more sensitive once a month.
As much as you’re a logical being, you’re also a biological being and the effects hormones have on our mood is profound.
Give yourself a break, have a laugh and embrace this as a sign of health and life.
* Brief update on this section. When I wrote this (back in April 2020) I was in an emotionally neglectful relationship and truly did feel unloved, uncared for, unheard and unseen for most of the time beyond just during my period and being a little more sensitive during that time of month the disconnect from a person I was desperately trying to connect with felt massive.
Now, with supportive and nurturing relationships where I feel seen and appreciated just the way I am, while I am more sensitive once a month than other times, this is nowhere near the level of the “end of the world” feelings I was experiencing.
Which means since writing this my learnings have updated again and I now have a different perspective on this because of how it has shifted for me since choosing to leave that relationship.
I truly do believe if you choose relationships that are wholesome and in which you are loved for who you are (including your relationship with yourself) this time isn’t as emotionally taxing at all. It can even be an enjoyable time to look inside yourself (while still accepting all the hugs of course) reflect, nurture, plan and grow.
Third Small Change: Things Which Once Derailed Me No Longer Do
This one may seem little but it’s actually huge.
To me this is the difference between being sick and being recovered.
To me the difference between being sick and being recovered is your answer to the question of how conscious can you remain in situations that once made you react unconsciously?
Read that again if you need to (and have a read of the page of my website on hypnosis and the unconscious mind or any blog on hypnosis I’ve published because this is important) .
How much access can you have to choice in those moments where you once felt compelled and overcome with emotions and the all consuming urge to react in a way you did not choose?
Honestly, recovered to me has nothing to do with the food I ate when I was sick versus what I eat now and everything to do with the difference in how I felt in the illness versus how I feel now.
Think of it this way would you rather eat and feel like crap doing it but still push through and do it or would you rather feel worthy, safe and confident in who you are and your place in this world and then see how that naturally changes your experience of wanting to eat?…
The things which once were cause for meltdown no longer touch me.
When conflict or confrontation comes up in my life now I am happy to have a clear and competent conversation, time out or proactive action rather than react with self-destruction or be inconsolable for days, weeks or months (not an over exaggeration – I spent days on the floor inconsolable and unable to regulate my nervous system).
I can now watch the news (although I more often than not choose not to) without collapsing into the pain and suffering of the world.
I have choice over my emotions and actions and to me this is recovered.
To me this is freedom.
Take Away
My sharing these 3 little snippets of insight from the small discoveries of everyday life on the other side of sick is not intended as reassurance that all will be fine nor am I saying this is the way it will be for you. Rather I simply wanted to let you know that life exists on the other side of sick.
You’ll be learning and discovering until the day you die.
My wish for you is that you give yourself the chance to experience life as you live it.
Which to me means being conscious and present in the small things because it is the small things, more than the huge things which make a life!
With My Whole Heart I Hope You Found This Information Useful and Inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
