Can I share with you quickly something that’s a little embarrassing, something that makes me cringe to look back on?
When I was living with anorexia nervosa, I imagined everyone without this illness lived magical lives. Granted to varying degrees of magical but magical none the less.
I somewhat sheepishly but with all the self-compassion in the world for past Bonnie who was struggling in a way that’s now inconceivable to me admit I did have a lot of “if only…” “why me” and “they can’t possibly understand” moments.
To be totally honest I was jealous.
I was envious.
Resentful even.
I was frustrated and downright mad (although I’d never in a million years have admitted this) at people who were living their lives anorexia nervosa free and didn’t know how good they had it.
By my judgement they were taking their freedom for granted.
Harsh, I know but that’s what I felt.
I had an inkling this thinking wasn’t totally correct and I knew that life presents problems, challenges and heartbreak in many ways beyond eating disorders but looking back now I couldn’t fully comprehend this (believe anything could be as bad as this perhaps?…)
So, now that it’s been a few years, what has been my experience of living a fully recovered life? Did it live up to my sunshine and rainbow expectations?
It’s an interesting question to answer because in a way the answer is no, it didn’t/hasn’t live/ed up to my magical expectations where I simply never felt bad, never struggled with decisions or fell short of goals.
The reality is since recovering from anorexia nervosa I have:
- Felt pain beyond pain. Heartbreak, loneliness and utter numbness.
- Agonised over important decisions. Sat on the fence out of fear for so long that my mind and body suffered.
- Fell short of so many goals as priorities and opportunities changed that I’ve lost count.
On top of all that a lot of my life is lived in the “mundane”.
A big bunch of the stuff I do is the stuff we all have to do. Brush my teeth, pay taxes, do paperwork, cook, clean, drive…
…And in the same breath on the other hand in a way the answer is yes, in comparison to the life I lived with anorexia nervosa my life now is sunshine and rainbows.
Honestly.
Thinking about why I feel life without anorexia nervosa is sunshine and rainbows it is not because of the lack of hard things happening or the presence of the mundane things but because I am able to be ok through the hard things and for the most part enjoy and genuinely find gratitude that I get the chance to do the mundane things.
It sounds simple, but I’ve found that there is no reason why the simplest of things cannot also simultaneously be the most profound.
I am not ok 100% of the time or 100% ok all of the time. Because recovering from anorexia nervosa did in fact not make me inhuman.
Things still affect me, but I no longer have no choice but to be utterly consumed by the hard things.
I have choice.
The hard thing hurt me (so deeply in the moment), I experience that hurt, then when my mind, body and soul are ready, I move through them, past them and learn and grow from them in ways that make my life richer and more meaningful. A skill I was simply incapable of when I lived with anorexia nervosa.
To get to the point of this blog post which follows on from last week’s blog post (What’s Recovered Life Really Like? 3 Recent Times the Truth that I’m Living a Recovered Life Hit Me) I’m going to share with you 3 more things I’ve noticed recently in my life on the other side of anorexia nervosa that aren’t all that drastic and profound but together with all the other seemingly insignificant things add up to a recovered and most importantly free life.
Beginning with…
- I Park Where I am Going
The other day I had to go to two different shops. They are not too far apart, walkable. Once upon a time I’d have walked.
I’d have walked between them and to a few others on my way. I’d have even walked the longest most roundabout route possible.
On this occasion I found myself parking at one shop, getting the things I wanted and then driving to the next.
Zero questions asked. Zero shame. Zero mind games. Zero anxiety.
In fact, zero energy went into the decision process.
It was easy. As such an easy decision should be!
This; this is recovered.
At least this is my definition of full recovery.
If you’re sitting, there thinking what? Did I miss something? Her definition of full recovery is when you can drive to where you need to go vs walk? That seems like a strange definition of recovered especially compared to other far more deep and profound ones you’ve heard then let me quickly explain?
What I mean by giving this example is that I didn’t think about it.
I didn’t default to the eating disorder way of doing things or even one step further than that have to battle with myself to do it a different way. I just did it that new way aka drove to where I needed to go (I even looked for a park close to the shop entrance also something I never used to do).
In a nutshell my definition of full recovery equals when you no longer have to put in any conscious effort to maintain the change (new behaviour/thought/feeling etc). When you choose the “healthier” choice for you by default, normally, easily, naturally almost as if it’s always been so.
Full recovery is the sense that going back to the old way of doing things would actually require energy, effort and be an inconvenience in your life (and believe me the amount of hours I must have spent walking between shops, walking in general was definitely an inconvenience in my life).
2. I Can “Pop Out” and “Pop Over”
When I was sick the concept of popping out to do things or popping in to see people quickly was a challenging one.
Doing anything without prior planning was a challenging one.
I did it, but rarely and even more importantly not without anxiety, hesitation and fear that got in the way of it ever being the level of fun and ease it now is.
Why was it so difficult for me to be spontaneous in the eating disorder?
I thought it was because I was a “control freak”, I thought it was because I was “boring”, I thought it was because I was worried, I wouldn’t get my meals in the right way at the right time (I “had” to eat certain things at certain times and if I didn’t eat at those specific times then I wouldn’t get to eat at all). I now know it was because I was the owner of a starved, malnourished, overwhelmed human brain and that is exactly how a starved, malnourished and overwhelmed human brain responds to life under those conditions and exactly how it should.
Let me explain. When a brain is undernourished, this is about the most uncertain position a human being can be in given that it is incompatible with life. Which means that under these uncertain conditions our brain searches for any semblance of certainty.
Chasing “control” over our environment gives us an increased sense of certainty.
A starved brain is a (very) inflexible and (very) unspontaneous brain. Believe me even if you think you’re flexible or spontaneous (which I’d have thought I was back then, I wasn’t) you’re not.
I would plan and plan and plan endlessly inside of my mind without even knowing I was doing it and certainly without knowing that it could be another way.
From the outside it’s not hard to see that there’s only one way off this hamster wheel and that is ultimately to;
- Eat. Eat adequately, consistently and for a long period of time (aka the rest of your life).
and
- Give up the need to control those things which are out of your control. This has the bonus of also freeing up a whole load of your energy and time to focus on those things which are truly important and meaningful to you.
3. I Eat While Cooking
This is one I could never have anticipated the fun of.
The relief of.
The simplicity of.
I can’t find the right word for the feeling but let me try to explain.
When I lived with anorexia nervosa, I didn’t eat a thing while I was cooking. I’m not sure when or why that started but it became one of my “rules” that I could break and choose not to follow at any stage of course (only I couldn’t).
I now regularly snack left, right and centre while preparing food. I eat snacks while making more snacks and I eat snacks and titbits outside of designated meal and snack times.
I taste things here and there and it is such a simple thing but such a marvellously freeing thing that I can’t skip over it in a post about the differences between my life living with anorexia nervosa and my life now without anorexia nervosa.
Last week I found myself cooking dinner with my boyfriend and while we were cooking, we were eating out of the nut butter jar and tasting things as we went and it was… nice.
It was nice in a calm and certain way that was never a part of my food experience for the 15 years I lived with anorexia nervosa.
Recovery really is made up of the little things; the little things you don’t even know you want.
The little things you can’t possibly know how good they are or how much simpler they make life until you’re experiencing them.
The Important Parts
Sometimes I notice these moments of contrast between the life I once lived with anorexia nervosa and the life I now live without anorexia nervosa, and I am sure more and more often I don’t notice them and they just pass me by.
This could be sad but to be honest it’s also amazing and when I reflect on it all in this moment as I sit writing between mouthfuls of hot chocolate and homemade chocolate chip biscuits the whole point of doing recovery and an indication of how unquestionably complete my new life without anorexia is, is that I don’t notice every macro or micro difference.
I am no longer comparing because that life is gone.
Beyond the work that I do with my clients and sharing these blogs it’s just not all that important to me.
It just is.
Which is perfect because that illness already took so much from me and changed the trajectory of my life in ways I know and ways I’ll never fully comprehend.
I certainly don’t want recovering from anorexia nervosa to be the biggest or most important thing I ever did/do with my life!
If you take nothing else away from the 3 examples I’ve given above and the 3 examples from last weeks blog post (What’s Recovered Life Really Like? 3 Recent Times the Truth that I’m Living a Recovered Life Hit Me) make it the following.
When I was living with anorexia nervosa some of the things, I’ve described within these blog posts certainly were a big deal to me but a lot of them were “just the way it was.”
I couldn’t have during that time possibly understood the absolute level of freedom (sunshine and rainbows?) that would come with not having to walk everywhere, being able to get in my car and go without packing for every possible scenario I may meet or of laughing, playing and sharing peanut butter out of the jar with my boyfriend while simultaneously cooking dinner together.
You can’t know just how good, how liberating, how incredible those things are until you experience them.
The eating disorder will always tell you they’re not that great or that big a deal but let me tell you they are.
Oh.
They.
Are.
With My Whole Heat I Hope You Found This Information Useful and Inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
