Once upon a time in what feels like 20 lifetimes ago, I lived on a property and grew an unbelievable abundance of fruits and vegetables of all descriptions.
I delighted in choosing the strangest and most exotic mix of plants I could source.
I loved getting the latest seed catalogue to select the next bizarre thing I was going to order, plant, nurture and then figure out what to do when the plant would inevitably provide me with produce well beyond what was humanely possible to keep up with.
Today I live a very different life.
Different in fundamental ways that go far beyond just no longer growing my own fruits and vegetables but it’s gardening re-entering my life that’s prompted this story.
My partner and I have recently moved home and one of the little projects we’ve started together is a small vegetable garden!
The garden bed is now filled up with soil and ready for us to plant our beautiful little plants we’ve chosen (which are truly far too many for the size of the patch but we’ll see what we can squeeze in including corn, cucumbers, tomatoes, beans, cos lettuce and kale). I will keep you posted (likely in proud Instagram stories) as they start growing and gifting us home grown freshness to add to our meals.
But this post isn’t so much about the vegetable gardens I’ve had past, present or future as it is about a moment I had when we were choosing soil, compost, manure and seedling for our garden beds.
Yesterday evening at 6pm on an exciting Saturday night we found ourselves at Bunnings.
Something I didn’t see coming in my future a few years ago but which my partner insists he did.
The moment was one of those moments where the contrast between the life I lived with anorexia nervosa and the life I now live free from that illness was made evident to me.
I am sure for the most part these days many moments of contrast fly right by me and I admit that they’ve become my norm so much so that I don’t always catch them let alone have a moment to reflect on them with gratitude let alone share them with you.
But this one I caught.
This one I am taking the time to share with you because no matter where you (or your loved one) are along your path of recovery I hope it touches you in a way that you can use.
By the time 6:30pm had come around last night we’d piled up our (very large) trolly with kilos of soil, far too many seedlings and some solar fairy lights for our veranda and were heading down the escalator to the checkout when my partner said he’d like to contribute to the garden project (I’d already done a solo Bunnings trip (who knew garden beds took so much soil and we’d be doing a second trip?!) and asked if it would be ok if he could pay for our bounty.
There was some tension and resistance in my body to accepting his offer.
But and this is a big but.
It didn’t feel like the end of the world.
I didn’t scrunch up inside.
I didn’t feel inadequate and undeserving and make it into a big deal.
After some moments I said OK.
Not because I felt I had to but because it genuinely was OK.
He paid and we walked out of the shop, packed the car and drove off.
It was more than OK.
It felt great.
The whole experience felt surreal.
I remember reading a quote when I was sick that went something along the lines of “how amazing it is to know that some of your best day’s are yet to come”.
I couldn’t imagine it then.
I don’t think I ever doubted that such love existed, or such amazing humans existed but I did doubt that I’d ever be able to accept that love into my life.
I did doubt that I would ever feel worthy of other people’s time and energy.
I felt not good enough with every fibre of my being (even if I knew differently and even if I didn’t want to feel that way and even if I couldn’t articulate why I felt that way).
And now I no longer feel that way.
Now, I accept love into my life.
Love that is not conditional on my being a certain way, doing certain things or perpetually trying to get it “right”.
Love that is accepting of who I am.
Every single day.
The Take Home Good Bits
When you are in recovery from an eating disorder it can feel like it gets condensed into the entire goal being to gain weight or perhaps to “fix” your relationship with food.
But you know in your heart of hearts that there is more to your recovery than that.
You know in your heat of hearts that you want more than that.
You know in your heart of hearts that you are more than that.
You don’t know how or what, but you do know this weight gain, this food stuff isn’t the full story.
I want to let you know that you are right.
Your heart, your soul, your deeper self is so, so right.
Which is why I have taken the time to share this seemingly small moment from my life on the other side of living with anorexia nervosa with you.
Because these seemingly small moments are what real recovery means.
These small moments that are only possible because you created within you the freedom to be you.
The freedom to take up space.
The freedom to experience love.
The freedom to experience joy.
The freedom to be more than what you were told or ever thought was possible.
Not because you or anyone else is trying to force you to accept or love yourself but because you feel it.
This is what you are recovering for.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
