I remember the first time I had sex with the person I’d go on to form a 7-year relationship with.
I remember how acutely ashamed of my thinness I felt.
I left my shirt on.
We talked about it a long time later, perhaps years later. Which is when I learned with surprise that something I’d done, leaving my shirt on to cover my body out of insecurity and self-loathing, he’d thought was sexy.
There have been a number of moments in my life that have stood out in this way. You know the type of stuff where you see something one way and you haven’t even considered that someone could see it any other way and when you learn that they do it shocks you so completely that it sticks in your memory? This was one of those moments.
Other things I’d been fearful of people saying about my body during sex in the past include – “your boobs are so small”, “you are too skinny”, “your bones poke out”.
Things people have never said about my body during sex – “your boobs are so small”, “you are too skinny”, “your bones poke out”…
Story #1
I look at the girl in front of me as she tells me defiantly that she’s planning on sneaking out of her home tonight to see what man she can find who wants to have sex with her.
I listen to her as she explains why, and I feel curious to immediately explore and loosen the bizarre reasoning she’s giving that makes so much sense to her, but instead I let her talk.
She never breaks eye contact with me, and I get the sense she’s wanting or at least expecting me to tell her she’s wrong.
I don’t.
I let her finish her story the gist of which is along the lines of “at least then I would feel someone wants me”.
I know I should feel shocked or repulsed by the words she’s speaking.
I don’t.
It’s a version of a story I hear often.
In its myriad forms and variations.
I do however feel the pressure to do the thing we’d all like to do when a girl tells us such a thing and reason with her because in my heart, I want her to know that this being “wanted” isn’t real being wanted.
That this isn’t the type of being wanted she wants.
I want her to feel loved and safe and always protected.
I want her to have choice and options in her life.
Most of all I want her to never have experienced the pain she has that’s lead her to form this sad understanding of the world.
She anticipates this and beats me to the chase by feeding an argument back to me she clearly thinks I was about to give without knowing yet that I work differently. If it was as easy as telling her she is wonderful and beautiful and that this was going to harm her and she’d listen, understand and adjust her behaviour (life) accordingly I would take the time to do so but there’s more to it than that.
She’s had that.
I wasn’t going to waste our time.
If working as a clinical hypnotherapist has taught me anything it’s that stating the obvious is a waste of everyone’s time.
There are other ways I chose to work with this girl that will go on to help her far more than had I given her some bland reassurances, harsh judgements or even desperate pleas that she’s heard a million times before.
The point I wanted to make through sharing this story is that it is not such an unusual story by any means.
We call anorexia nervosa an “eating disorder” for that is what we see. Someone struggling with food however the reality is when you live with an anorexia nervosa there is no part of your life left untouched and unaffected.
That includes how you interact with other humans including sex.
My Experience with Anorexia
I remember feeling similar feelings to this girl.
When I lived with anorexia nervosa the thing, I loved most about sex was the way the other people would look at me.
Like I was beautiful.
Like I was incredible.
Like they wanted me.
Like I was wanted.
I can speculate that it contrasted so starkly with the majority of the thoughts I had about myself at the time that there was something so alluring, almost intoxicating about it.
I wanted that.
And so, I allowed it.
No, I didn’t just “allow it” I chased it with immense intensity and passion.
And I got myself into all sorts of situations that in the moments I reflect back on those times or when the memories come to mind, the me of today is genuinely amazed by.
Shocked even.
It feels like that time happened to someone else.
Things that would not have happened had I been capable of what I am today.
Story #2
I sit across from another lady as she shares with me something she’s never shared with anyone.
I listen to her as she tells me her entire relationship life as an adult has been affair after affair.
She tells me she’s never had a relationship with a non-married man.
Again, I feel the sense she’s waiting, expecting some kind of judgement or reprimand.
She certainly feels guilty enough herself about this to believe she deserves it.
I don’t judge her.
I don’t reprimand her.
Again it’s a variation of a story I’ve heard many times before.
Not good enough to be loved.
More comfortable with being second.
My Experience with Anorexia
I remember feeling similar feelings.
When I lived with anorexia nervosa the thing that stands out above all else during that time was my lack of self-care and it might seem obvious that someone who can’t even feed themselves properly would have low self-care and yet I can’t explain the depth to which this was my reality.
It wasn’t that I hated myself or that I thought I was a bad person.
It was more that I had a complete disregard for myself.
I wasn’t factored into any decisions I made.
Everything I did was to please others or make the lives of others better.
I thought others mattered more than me.
I cared sooooo much.
At least that was what I thought my intention and thought process was, through knowing what I know about the unconscious mind I understand what I was doing was more of an inability to regulate my own emotions and needing others to be ok in order to feel ok myself!
It’s interesting to look back now and see so clearly how I wasn’t able to factor my feelings, wants, needs or desires into my own life decisions.
I didn’t even know what my own feelings, wants, needs or desires were most of the time and in the moments I did I was so ashamed I had feelings, wants, needs or desires that I had no idea what to do with them.
I certainly didn’t know I was worthy of meeting them or God forbid inviting others to meet or even acknowledge them.
I remember crying more than once to myself because I’d want to have sex with the person I was dating.
Yep, I remember working myself up into a ball of stress wanting to have sex, too afraid to ask in case of being turned down, maybe doing my best but least imposing (and definitely with a strong option to say no) attempt at “coming onto them”.
I remember feeling… I can’t even describe the feeling… unworthy maybe, ashamed maybe?… ashamed and annoyed at myself that I had such feelings, wants, needs or desires…
Maybe ashamed that I wasn’t more “in control” of my body because a large part of why anorexia nervosa endured in my life was a misguided unconscious desire for control.
Recovery was a lot of getting to know myself and it was a lot of getting to make myself.
Sex was a part of that.
Just like food was a part of that.
Summary
My story is just one story of one person who once lived with anorexia nervosa.
It’s not everybody who’s ever lived or is living with anorexia’s story.
These short stories are just examples of two more people living with eating disorders.
Your story might have similarities and it might be vastly different.
But there is one common truth amongst all those who have lived with or who are living with anorexia nervosa or any other eating disorder and that is that it affects every part of your world.
Unfortunately, you don’t get time out of life to recover.
Which means the world goes on and you learn to cope and manage and deal in the best ways you can.
Recovery is about updating your “best”.
Recovery is about becoming capable of doing things in new and better ways.
Because there are better ways.
You might not know them and if you do you might not think them possible for you.
And yet, still the truth is there are better ways.
You can make the rest of your life about discovering and continuously advancing or you can make the rest of your life about finding reasons to not.
Both are possible.
Both are hard.
Only one will allow you the freedom your heart craves.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
