When I look back on the years, I lived with anorexia nervosa the overarching theme was a pervasive sense of shame.
A shame that went right into the core of who I was.
A shame the seeped into every corner of my existence.
Everywhere I went, everything I did there it was.
Reminding me that I was not enough.
Reminding me that I was not worthy.
Reminding me that I was broken.
I have not forgotten that during those years it was overpowering even if it’s a shame I no longer feel.
Today I talk openly about my experience with having lived with anorexia nervosa and all the very strange things I did during that time (things I never imagined I would share with anyone) in much the same way I talk about that time I broke my arm.
Last week I was asked as part of an interview on a local radio station why I got into working in the field of clinical hypnotherapy and the first thing that came out of my mouth was “well, I lived 15 years of my life with anorexia nervosa…”.
No easing into it.
No gentle backstory.
No beating around the bush.
No attempt at making everyone comfortable.
Because why would I?
There is no shame.
What there is, is regret.
What there is, is a wishing things had of been different.
But shame? No.
It may be surprising to hear that I wish things had of been different because my life is genuinely amazing now and yes, it is likely that having lived with anorexia nervosa was a learning that undoubtedly majorly contributed to where I am now. To who I am now. And yet, despite how good things are now I do not believe that was an experience I had to go through for things to be this good now.
I do not believe it was “meant to be”.
I do not believe that 13-year-old Bonnie needed her teenage and young adult years domineered by hospitalisations, blame, anger and a sense of underlying, unrelenting shame and fear I cannot put words to.
No matter the silver lining I took from that experience I know my life would have been better off for not having had that experience.
Because I can use an arbitrary and emotionally void word like “experience” to describe it now but that’s not what it was it was on the ground. The day-to-day reality of what it means to live with anorexia is an overwhelming, exhausting, crushing and terrifying experience I wish upon no one.
I believe with my whole heart that things could have been different.
I believe with my whole heart that I did not have to fall sick.
I believe with my whole heart that I did not have to live with that illness for so long.
Which is why I do the work I do today partnering with others living with eating disorders to get free, to find themselves, create themselves and move on with their lives.
I know no one has to live with an eating disorder.
I know an eating disorder is no one’s destiny or a requirement for growth.
Even as I type these words, I receive a message from the mum of a young client of mine who drives almost 2hrs to see me each fortnight, that her daughter does not want to do a Zoom session to cut down on the driving because she doesn’t want to see herself on camera.
And my heart breaks.
Again.
The Shame
I am not sure exactly when, how or why it started but I developed a full-on obsession with eating with my mum.
I remember being confused over what to eat.
I remember trying to copy my older sister, but she was rarely home.
I remember trying to copy my younger sister and being way too hungry all the time.
I remember trying to copy my mum
Because if anyone should be getting eating right it was mum. Surely?…
I can only guess as to why my mind decided to do this and it doesn’t really matter anymore.
Somehow it made me feel safer.
It became more and more intense to the point where I remember being at a zoo for the day with my family as an early teenager and looking around for ways I could kill myself.
I remember looking over the edge of this high stadium we were in and calculating what the impact would be.
If it was high enough.
Why?
Because my mum had unknowingly eaten the sandwich, I’d made for my dad instead of the one I’d made for her. The one I’d made for her being a copy of the one I’d made for myself which was bigger.
I’d accidently eaten more than her and it felt like I’d rather die than know that.
I remember my mum sitting on the edge of the bath while I got ready for school eating a replica of the lunch, I’d be taking to school for lunch that day. This was after we’d already eaten a large breakfast together.
I hated myself.
The shame was intense.
And yet, I couldn’t stop it.
I remember eating lunch with my mum in school breaks.
I also remember my mum assuming I didn’t want people to know that I was going out of the school to meet up and eat with her.
Assuming I would be ashamed.
Which sent the message loud and clear that I should be ashamed.
I Wish
What I wish had happened is that I’d never fallen sick with anorexia nervosa in the first place.
I wish that a lot.
Aside from that…
I wish it had been clearer and out in the open what was going on for me.
I wish I didn’t have to hide.
I wish I wasn’t told to hide.
The shame added layers that didn’t need to be there.
In my work and in my life today I come from the standpoint that yes, the things people do when they live with eating disorders are undeniably weird but that they don’t need to permanent.
They are not “who” this person is.
They are the signs and symptoms of a disease. The same as a runny nose is a symptom of a cold.
When you get over that cold your nose stops running.
When you recover from an eating disorder you stop doing those weird things.
Looking back on the life I lived I can see shame never helped.
And similarly after working with thousands of people helping them on their path to recovery I am yet to see where shame has helped a single one of them heal.
Shame has no place in eating disorder treatment.
The same way it has no place in broken arm treatment.
It just teaches and reinforces that they are weird.
Different.
Damaged.
Trust me they are already terrified that that is true.
It just teaches and reinforces staying silent is what you should do.
When we are silent there is no room for safety and movement and if there is no room for safety and movement there is no change.
And without change there is no recovery.
I wish for everyone living with an eating disorder now and into the future that they get the chance to be seen, heard and met where they are, as they are without being told covertly or overtly that they shouldn’t be this way.
The Take Home Bits
The truth is if you are living with an eating disorder you should be doing “weird” things.
It’s kind of part of the deal… and if you need proof talk to anyone who has ever lived with an eating disorder or click this link to read my earlier blog “64 Things You Won’t Find on WebMD About Living with Anorexia Nervosa” for some deeper insight into the weird things I did.
Forgive yourself.
And above all know that this doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
You can’t undo the past, but you can give yourself a chance at a different future.
Get help.
Help that says “yes, you’re doing x, y and z how can I help you feel happy to do what you want to do instead?” …
Help that says your future is not a reflection of your past.
Get great help.
After all this is the rest of your life you’re setting up.
With my whole heart I hope you found this information useful and inspiring.
Become Great. Live Great.
Bonnie.
1 thought on “Shame: Insights from My Life with Anorexia Nervosa”
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